The other day, I happened upon an article about the interplay of meat and gender roles. It turns out that women in general (even vegetarians) find men who don't eat meat wimpy in general. In contrast, those who are seen eating meat are viewed as more manly and powerful. Now, I know that I'm no Chuck Norris, BUT when I'm out on a date trying to impress a girl for the first time, she doesn't have to know that! Thus, here, we have a signaling game with asymmetric information. How do I plan to exploit this, you ask? Good question! I shall order the meal from the movie below then pull out my bacon wallet (for those of you who have seen it, you know I'm not kidding), and pay for the date.
-FSG
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Super Bowl Recap
It's go time! I've already downed wings, whiskey, beer (well, Colt .45), cookies, etc., so I'm about ready for kickoff. I hope this game lives up to those of the past few years (Giants/Pats and Steelers/Cards in particular)...Especially since this is the end of football for a while. The most unfortunate part about this game is that I can't use commercials to go to the bathroom because, while I watch for the game, I don't want to miss commercials. Thus, halftime and only halftime will be spent for beer reloading and bladder emptying. Aside from that, the ass dent in my chair will be occupied...with my ass.
1. I LOVE that they read the Declaration of Independence before the game. Hearing those timeless words (especially with images of our troops) always gives me goosebumps on my arms and tears in my eyes. What those signers did, was simply unbelievable. They had to have believed that when they put their names on that paper, they were signing their death warrants. Yet, this did not deter them from their pursuit of freedom for themselves, their countrymen, and their progeny. What better way to honor them and all defenders of freedom on the biggest stage of the television broadcast year. Props to FOX for running such a spot. In a related comment, I choked up when the crowd cheered upon being shown a live feed of our men and women of the armed forces from Afghanistan. Too bad, the Anthem wasn't sung with the correct words. In an unrelated note, whose idea was it to have a flyover over a dome?
2. Muffed punt in the Super Bowl? Green Bay got LUCKY there. They should start reading my blog to understand why fumbling is bad and strong special teams is good.
3. That Doritos dog is a pug from Hell. "...And that's why you don't taunt a hungry dog." I'm surprised the taunter's arm didn't fall off. (Update: Doritos is the big winner so far, and I'd be surprised if another company overtakes them after the finger licking/pant removing commercial.)
4. A-Rod can't feed himself? Good thing he makes about a gazillion bucks a year so he can afford to pay people to do it for him. Open up for the airplane, Alex.
5. Chad Clifton seems to be holding up decently, but Bulaga is getting worked over by Woodley. The Packers are going to have to devise a better way to block him, or there could be troubles down the stretch. (Update: He did pretty well there, and Jordy Nelson held on this time! If there's no more scoring this quarter, I win $50!)
6. Turnovers. You can't do them if you want to win. Also, I am now officially pissed off at the Steelers and wish loss upon them. Ben robbed me out of $50. He can die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. However, it should be noted that each QB now has a TD pass.
7. Kemoeatu is getting abused. It's almost like Kyle Williams plays for Green Bay. Also, Ben's gimpy. If he's hurt, you can pretty much mail this one in...That is unless the Bears traded Hanie to Pittsburgh.
8. I guess Big Ben grew accustomed to throwing to guys wearing yellow pants during the season (well, the last 12 games of the season). Unfortunately, for him, that's not necessarily a good thing in this situation.
9. What a throw and catch on that Jennings TD. I was very surprised to see him hold onto it with the way Polamalu hit him.
10. The Steelers' TD pass to Ward looked like something from my family Turkey Bowl. Very athletic catch. Too bad Suisham made the PAT...Bastard cost me $50 for this quarter too.
11. Can we get this God awful halftime show off the screen and bring back football? Halftime shows have been fairly lame ever since they outlawed tits, and this one is no exception. Also, do the Black Eyed Peas have more than one song that they actually wrote themselves? Either way, I'm left wishing that this game had been played in the Metrodome a few months ago...
12. Charles Woodson is a big loss. That will put pressure on the Green Bay offense to score to alleviate some of the pressure on the defensive secondary.
13. The refs ought to be embarrassed for that facemask call on the first punt of the second half. This is the biggest game of the year, and they absolutely blew that call. I hate it when the zebras make a blatant error that can change the whole game. That TD was set up by the facemask. I can almost guarantee that Pittsburgh would have had a different plan of attack if they'd started from the 35 like they should have.
14. That Suisham field goal attempt was about the worst I've seen in a Super Bowl...Not the most painful (again, I'm a Bills fan), but the e-trade baby should definitely call him "shankapotomamus."
15. I have always liked Aaron Rodgers for his professionalism during his long green room wait on draft day and how he handled the whole Brett Favre drama, but with the block he made on the pursuing linebacker after he handed it off, he earned a little more respect. His receivers however are dropping more balls than a clumsy hooker, and that must be SO frustrating for Packer fans.
16. I sang the praises of Tramon Williams in prior weeks, but today, he is absolutely killing his team with bonehead plays. If the ball is rolling on the ground on a punt, get away from it. If you don't get away from it, don't throw punches! It's really not that hard a concept.
17. Another bad call on the 3rd and 10 incomplete pass by Green Bay near the end of the third quarter. That is a catch, no doubt about it. That's another call that went for Pittsburgh that I think was wrong (despite what Pereira says). It is close, but to me, it looks like he puts the ball away before it is stripped by a very aware Pittsburgh defender. I'm not sure whether I'd say that his knee was down, but it wouldn't matter, as the Packers would have recovered at around the same spot as the knee down spot. (Update: On the ensuing punt, there were two missed holding calls that should have been called on Pittsburgh.)
18. Another Pittsburgh turnover. Am I the only one who thinks the Steelers offense likes to stand around and watch their opponents recover their fumbles? That's twice now in these playoffs. Either way, you can't lose the turnover battle in the regular season let alone in the Super Bowl. (Update: Three Pittsburgh turnovers have turned into 21 Packer points.)
19. Jordy Nelson has dropped seemingly every other pass. However, each time, he makes a big play the next time he's targeted. After that drop, I'd go back to him. (Update: They did on the next play, and they hit a big one on the crossing route. Now, they should stay away from him till they're in a situation where they can afford a drop.)
20. Pepsi Max is giving Doritos a run for its money with its slapstick comedy and the "I want to sleep with her," commercial. Also, I'm friends with someone whose cousin was in a Pepsi Max commercial, so if you think about it, I'm famous in a very real way.
21. Mr. Aikman, what does it mean for Troy Polamalu to be "extinctive?" I'd almost rather have Phil Simms as a commentator...almost.
22. In both of the key battles to watch that I delineated in the prior post, it appears that the offensive lines have been winning. Frankly, I'm a little surprised.
23. What Rodgers just did to take momentum back from Pittsburgh, take time off the clock, and score is huge. However, the difference between a TD and the FG they got there is astronomical. Now, Pittsburgh has a chance to do what they did two years ago and win the game at the last second. If Green Bay had converted for a TD, I would have said that was one of the best (clutch) playoff drives I'd ever seen.
24. With the two minute warning upon us, I'm sitting here debating with myself about whether Green Bay should dial up the pressure or try to force Pittsburgh to move the ball in small increments in the middle of the field. My gut is to mix it up and tell the defenders to disguise like they've never disguised before, but also to play more pressure defense than prevent. I don't envy Capers right now (nor do I envy Arians...Would be tough to call the offense as well).
25. Fourth and five. This is the game. Now, I'd dial up a little pressure while keeping a safety deep to prevent the big play. (Update: Tramon Williams just made up for all his bad plays on special teams earlier. Someone ought to get that man a steak and a huge wedge of cheese.)
26. Aaron Rodgers is my selection for MVP. Just imagine his numbers if his receivers hadn't dropped so many balls. Sidenote: If Jordy Nelson hadn't dropped so many balls, I would have chosen him. As it is, he had 9 catches for 140 yards and a TD.
Now, for the offseason. At some point, I'll post a first round mock draft and some draft analysis (but that will probably all be in April).
-FSG
1. I LOVE that they read the Declaration of Independence before the game. Hearing those timeless words (especially with images of our troops) always gives me goosebumps on my arms and tears in my eyes. What those signers did, was simply unbelievable. They had to have believed that when they put their names on that paper, they were signing their death warrants. Yet, this did not deter them from their pursuit of freedom for themselves, their countrymen, and their progeny. What better way to honor them and all defenders of freedom on the biggest stage of the television broadcast year. Props to FOX for running such a spot. In a related comment, I choked up when the crowd cheered upon being shown a live feed of our men and women of the armed forces from Afghanistan. Too bad, the Anthem wasn't sung with the correct words. In an unrelated note, whose idea was it to have a flyover over a dome?
2. Muffed punt in the Super Bowl? Green Bay got LUCKY there. They should start reading my blog to understand why fumbling is bad and strong special teams is good.
3. That Doritos dog is a pug from Hell. "...And that's why you don't taunt a hungry dog." I'm surprised the taunter's arm didn't fall off. (Update: Doritos is the big winner so far, and I'd be surprised if another company overtakes them after the finger licking/pant removing commercial.)
4. A-Rod can't feed himself? Good thing he makes about a gazillion bucks a year so he can afford to pay people to do it for him. Open up for the airplane, Alex.
5. Chad Clifton seems to be holding up decently, but Bulaga is getting worked over by Woodley. The Packers are going to have to devise a better way to block him, or there could be troubles down the stretch. (Update: He did pretty well there, and Jordy Nelson held on this time! If there's no more scoring this quarter, I win $50!)
6. Turnovers. You can't do them if you want to win. Also, I am now officially pissed off at the Steelers and wish loss upon them. Ben robbed me out of $50. He can die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. However, it should be noted that each QB now has a TD pass.
7. Kemoeatu is getting abused. It's almost like Kyle Williams plays for Green Bay. Also, Ben's gimpy. If he's hurt, you can pretty much mail this one in...That is unless the Bears traded Hanie to Pittsburgh.
8. I guess Big Ben grew accustomed to throwing to guys wearing yellow pants during the season (well, the last 12 games of the season). Unfortunately, for him, that's not necessarily a good thing in this situation.
9. What a throw and catch on that Jennings TD. I was very surprised to see him hold onto it with the way Polamalu hit him.
10. The Steelers' TD pass to Ward looked like something from my family Turkey Bowl. Very athletic catch. Too bad Suisham made the PAT...Bastard cost me $50 for this quarter too.
11. Can we get this God awful halftime show off the screen and bring back football? Halftime shows have been fairly lame ever since they outlawed tits, and this one is no exception. Also, do the Black Eyed Peas have more than one song that they actually wrote themselves? Either way, I'm left wishing that this game had been played in the Metrodome a few months ago...
12. Charles Woodson is a big loss. That will put pressure on the Green Bay offense to score to alleviate some of the pressure on the defensive secondary.
13. The refs ought to be embarrassed for that facemask call on the first punt of the second half. This is the biggest game of the year, and they absolutely blew that call. I hate it when the zebras make a blatant error that can change the whole game. That TD was set up by the facemask. I can almost guarantee that Pittsburgh would have had a different plan of attack if they'd started from the 35 like they should have.
14. That Suisham field goal attempt was about the worst I've seen in a Super Bowl...Not the most painful (again, I'm a Bills fan), but the e-trade baby should definitely call him "shankapotomamus."
15. I have always liked Aaron Rodgers for his professionalism during his long green room wait on draft day and how he handled the whole Brett Favre drama, but with the block he made on the pursuing linebacker after he handed it off, he earned a little more respect. His receivers however are dropping more balls than a clumsy hooker, and that must be SO frustrating for Packer fans.
16. I sang the praises of Tramon Williams in prior weeks, but today, he is absolutely killing his team with bonehead plays. If the ball is rolling on the ground on a punt, get away from it. If you don't get away from it, don't throw punches! It's really not that hard a concept.
17. Another bad call on the 3rd and 10 incomplete pass by Green Bay near the end of the third quarter. That is a catch, no doubt about it. That's another call that went for Pittsburgh that I think was wrong (despite what Pereira says). It is close, but to me, it looks like he puts the ball away before it is stripped by a very aware Pittsburgh defender. I'm not sure whether I'd say that his knee was down, but it wouldn't matter, as the Packers would have recovered at around the same spot as the knee down spot. (Update: On the ensuing punt, there were two missed holding calls that should have been called on Pittsburgh.)
18. Another Pittsburgh turnover. Am I the only one who thinks the Steelers offense likes to stand around and watch their opponents recover their fumbles? That's twice now in these playoffs. Either way, you can't lose the turnover battle in the regular season let alone in the Super Bowl. (Update: Three Pittsburgh turnovers have turned into 21 Packer points.)
19. Jordy Nelson has dropped seemingly every other pass. However, each time, he makes a big play the next time he's targeted. After that drop, I'd go back to him. (Update: They did on the next play, and they hit a big one on the crossing route. Now, they should stay away from him till they're in a situation where they can afford a drop.)
20. Pepsi Max is giving Doritos a run for its money with its slapstick comedy and the "I want to sleep with her," commercial. Also, I'm friends with someone whose cousin was in a Pepsi Max commercial, so if you think about it, I'm famous in a very real way.
21. Mr. Aikman, what does it mean for Troy Polamalu to be "extinctive?" I'd almost rather have Phil Simms as a commentator...almost.
22. In both of the key battles to watch that I delineated in the prior post, it appears that the offensive lines have been winning. Frankly, I'm a little surprised.
23. What Rodgers just did to take momentum back from Pittsburgh, take time off the clock, and score is huge. However, the difference between a TD and the FG they got there is astronomical. Now, Pittsburgh has a chance to do what they did two years ago and win the game at the last second. If Green Bay had converted for a TD, I would have said that was one of the best (clutch) playoff drives I'd ever seen.
24. With the two minute warning upon us, I'm sitting here debating with myself about whether Green Bay should dial up the pressure or try to force Pittsburgh to move the ball in small increments in the middle of the field. My gut is to mix it up and tell the defenders to disguise like they've never disguised before, but also to play more pressure defense than prevent. I don't envy Capers right now (nor do I envy Arians...Would be tough to call the offense as well).
25. Fourth and five. This is the game. Now, I'd dial up a little pressure while keeping a safety deep to prevent the big play. (Update: Tramon Williams just made up for all his bad plays on special teams earlier. Someone ought to get that man a steak and a huge wedge of cheese.)
26. Aaron Rodgers is my selection for MVP. Just imagine his numbers if his receivers hadn't dropped so many balls. Sidenote: If Jordy Nelson hadn't dropped so many balls, I would have chosen him. As it is, he had 9 catches for 140 yards and a TD.
Now, for the offseason. At some point, I'll post a first round mock draft and some draft analysis (but that will probably all be in April).
-FSG
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Super Bowl Preview
Tomorrow's the big day! Many have already descended upon Dallas to watch the Super Bowl. Countless others are stocking up on beer, nacho fixings, beer, bacon cheeseburgers, beer, etc. in preparation for the big game. Millions watch for the commercials. While that kills me inside, I can't ignore this eventuality. For those of you who like the game itself, I'll break down some of the key match-ups that I believe will determine the outcome of the game.
I believe that there are two match-ups to watch that will determine the outcome of the game. These match-ups depend entirely on the relative strengths and weaknesses of each team (not that many weaknesses exist), and whoever wins these battles will likely negate what their opponent does best.
1. BJ Raji vs. Doug Legursky. The Packers play very strong defense all around, but their strength is pass defense. Against the run, they surrendered nearly 115 yards per game during the season, ranking 18th. However, the pass defense ranked 5th surrendering under 200 yards per game. Conversely, while the Steelers are fairly balanced on offense, they rank 11th (120 yards per game) rushing and 14th (225 yards per game) passing. The fact that the Steelers' relative strength plays to the Packers' relative weakness. However, now that Pouncey can't go, Pittsburgh will basically be forced to double team Raji or run away from the middle of that defense. If they have to double team Raji, that will allow Cushing to face Scott one on one, and that's not good news for Big Ben. It will also free up AJ Hawk to make plays sideline to sideline in the running game, which should go a long ways in negating the play action pass. Pittsburgh will need a strong day out of Legursky or brilliant game planning by the offensive line coach to keep varying everything they do to force the Packers into confusion. The other thing they could do is rely on play action early and often before realizing that they likely won't be able to run. That could push the secondary back and at least make the Packer defense play it straight and not cheat on the run.
2. James Harrison vs. Chad Clifton (and Brian Bulaga). The rankings that elevate these match-ups to pivotal are: Packers passing game - 5th (nearly 260 yards per game), Packers running game - 24th (a shade over 100 ypg), Steelers pass defense - 12th (214 ypg), Steelers run defense - 1st (nearly 63 ypg). If the Packer tackles can manage to win the one on one battle in the trenches with Harrison, Rogers will have all the time in the world to throw.If that happens, Aaron Rogers will pick Pittsburgh apart. It will be surgical in nature, and if you're a Pittsburgh fan, it will not be fun. If, however, Harrison wins his one on one battles, and Lebeau doesn't have to blitz too often to generate pressure, Rogers will be in for a rough game. If Lebeau has to blitz, Pittsburgh will be in a little more trouble, as the Green Bay receivers are excellent at getting separation quickly, and Rogers is an artist against the blitz.
Certainly, there are other intriguing and important match-ups to watch that could determine the outcome of the game, but the above are, in my mind, the most pivotal. It shouldn't surprise anyone that I think the biggest battles are in the trenches. I've seen first hand for the last ten years (as a Bills fan) what happens when you don't win those battles. It results in losses.
My prediction for the game is Green Bay 23, Pittsburgh 20. Unfortunately, if my prediction comes true, I will lose the box pool from my office.
What match-ups will you be watching for? Please post in the comments if I've missed one you feel will be a determining factor in the game!
-FSG
I believe that there are two match-ups to watch that will determine the outcome of the game. These match-ups depend entirely on the relative strengths and weaknesses of each team (not that many weaknesses exist), and whoever wins these battles will likely negate what their opponent does best.
1. BJ Raji vs. Doug Legursky. The Packers play very strong defense all around, but their strength is pass defense. Against the run, they surrendered nearly 115 yards per game during the season, ranking 18th. However, the pass defense ranked 5th surrendering under 200 yards per game. Conversely, while the Steelers are fairly balanced on offense, they rank 11th (120 yards per game) rushing and 14th (225 yards per game) passing. The fact that the Steelers' relative strength plays to the Packers' relative weakness. However, now that Pouncey can't go, Pittsburgh will basically be forced to double team Raji or run away from the middle of that defense. If they have to double team Raji, that will allow Cushing to face Scott one on one, and that's not good news for Big Ben. It will also free up AJ Hawk to make plays sideline to sideline in the running game, which should go a long ways in negating the play action pass. Pittsburgh will need a strong day out of Legursky or brilliant game planning by the offensive line coach to keep varying everything they do to force the Packers into confusion. The other thing they could do is rely on play action early and often before realizing that they likely won't be able to run. That could push the secondary back and at least make the Packer defense play it straight and not cheat on the run.
2. James Harrison vs. Chad Clifton (and Brian Bulaga). The rankings that elevate these match-ups to pivotal are: Packers passing game - 5th (nearly 260 yards per game), Packers running game - 24th (a shade over 100 ypg), Steelers pass defense - 12th (214 ypg), Steelers run defense - 1st (nearly 63 ypg). If the Packer tackles can manage to win the one on one battle in the trenches with Harrison, Rogers will have all the time in the world to throw.If that happens, Aaron Rogers will pick Pittsburgh apart. It will be surgical in nature, and if you're a Pittsburgh fan, it will not be fun. If, however, Harrison wins his one on one battles, and Lebeau doesn't have to blitz too often to generate pressure, Rogers will be in for a rough game. If Lebeau has to blitz, Pittsburgh will be in a little more trouble, as the Green Bay receivers are excellent at getting separation quickly, and Rogers is an artist against the blitz.
Certainly, there are other intriguing and important match-ups to watch that could determine the outcome of the game, but the above are, in my mind, the most pivotal. It shouldn't surprise anyone that I think the biggest battles are in the trenches. I've seen first hand for the last ten years (as a Bills fan) what happens when you don't win those battles. It results in losses.
My prediction for the game is Green Bay 23, Pittsburgh 20. Unfortunately, if my prediction comes true, I will lose the box pool from my office.
What match-ups will you be watching for? Please post in the comments if I've missed one you feel will be a determining factor in the game!
-FSG
Friday, February 4, 2011
Gas Leaks and the Workplace
Today, I will tackle an age old question...It has confounded men from Neanderthal mammoth hunts to modern day offices. It is a matter of great contention, and the stakes have never been higher. If you assume wrong, you risk castigation by your peers, extreme discomfort, and much worse. The ever important, two pronged question of which I write is of course, "Is it okay to pass gas at work, and if so, under what circumstances?"
Like with anything else, there are trade offs to any decision made, so broadly formed rules ought be avoided. For example, if you decide to abstain from flatulence completely, you risk pain, and possibly spontaneous combustion. On the other hand, if you wantonly rip air biscuits, you will gain an (admittedly well deserved) awful reputation. As such, I'll break down situations when it is okay to rip arse and times when it's better to just hold it in.
Situation 1: You are talking to a coworker. Absolutely no farting is allowed here unless you're talking to a coworker of the same sex in the break room and you need to deter them from going to the vending machine so you get first pick of the various candy choices.
Situation 2: You are alone at your cubicle. Here, it is acceptable to fart if you KNOW it will be silent. A vicious cheek flapper can echo in a cluster of cubicles, and anyone around you is sure to know. While they may not immediately be able to pinpoint the source, a fart is like an earthquake in that it's not too difficult to pinpoint the epicenter. However, notice I did not say, "Here, it is acceptable to fart IFF you KNOW it will be silent." Just because you are certain of the prospects of an SBD, you must exercise care and discretion. For example, if there is a chance that someone will come to your desk to ask you a computer question before the noxious cloud would have time to dissipate, you should probably hold it in. However, if you have already dropped a bomb, and someone comes to ask a question, smoothly suggest that you show them how to do it at their computer, and lead them away from the zone of doom.
Situation 3: You are walking in the stairwell. Bombs away! You've got the perfect escape route (the door on any floor) if someone is coming, and you can usually get away without being seen. Further, the only chance that someone will suffer from your eruption is if they happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe it's callous, but if someone happens to be that unlucky, maybe it's just their time. There's no sense in trying to defy fate.
Situation 4: You are in the elevator. If you fart, you are likely to be convicted. It's hard to fathom a situation in which you get off an elevator that you've fumigated, and the person taking your place doesn't shortly thereafter associate your face with poop smell. However, it's so delightfully cliche that I cannot condemn anyone for a little gas leak. Note that I am NOT arguing that you should fart here...just that I wouldn't be offended if someone did.
Situation 5: You are talking to your boss in his or her office. This one depends on the tone of the discussion and your feeling on your boss. Sometimes the best way to express disagreement or frustration is nonverbal, if you catch my drift (pun highly intended). If you bake brownies in your boss's office, be sure that it is not around performance evaluation season. The last thing you want in your employee file is that you did a "crappy job" a couple of days ago.
Situation 6: You haven't yet taken the Browns to the Super Bowl that day. Here you have to be careful, and the reasons are twofold: 1. You risk a severe odor, as the gas propulsion will be off the face of a turd, and 2. For the sake of your career, you MUST avoid a work shart at all costs. If you leave skidmarks at work, you will have to find a new job, and you can basically count on the fact that you won't get glowing recommendations from your prior management in your new job search.
Situation 7: The final situation that I will cover in this post is the walkin' farts...crop dusting, if you will. I say, "Them crops need to be dusted." In a busy office, there are generally many people walking around. It is nearly impossible to determine the culprit in this case. Sure, coworkers can have suspicions, but they'll never really know who it was. Furthermore, if they confront an innocent walker, the person will deny it, and more often than not, they'll be adamant (overly so). Thus, you can usually trick your coworkers into blaming that person for the nasal assault that you unleashed with no effort or acting on your part whatsoever.
I've just run through the most common situations you are likely to encounter, but this list is by no means exhaustive. If you have another situation, and you would like clarification on etiquette, please list that scenario (in detail) in the comments section, and I will address it when I get a chance. I hope this helped guide you through some sticky situations.
-FSG
Like with anything else, there are trade offs to any decision made, so broadly formed rules ought be avoided. For example, if you decide to abstain from flatulence completely, you risk pain, and possibly spontaneous combustion. On the other hand, if you wantonly rip air biscuits, you will gain an (admittedly well deserved) awful reputation. As such, I'll break down situations when it is okay to rip arse and times when it's better to just hold it in.
Situation 1: You are talking to a coworker. Absolutely no farting is allowed here unless you're talking to a coworker of the same sex in the break room and you need to deter them from going to the vending machine so you get first pick of the various candy choices.
Situation 2: You are alone at your cubicle. Here, it is acceptable to fart if you KNOW it will be silent. A vicious cheek flapper can echo in a cluster of cubicles, and anyone around you is sure to know. While they may not immediately be able to pinpoint the source, a fart is like an earthquake in that it's not too difficult to pinpoint the epicenter. However, notice I did not say, "Here, it is acceptable to fart IFF you KNOW it will be silent." Just because you are certain of the prospects of an SBD, you must exercise care and discretion. For example, if there is a chance that someone will come to your desk to ask you a computer question before the noxious cloud would have time to dissipate, you should probably hold it in. However, if you have already dropped a bomb, and someone comes to ask a question, smoothly suggest that you show them how to do it at their computer, and lead them away from the zone of doom.
Situation 3: You are walking in the stairwell. Bombs away! You've got the perfect escape route (the door on any floor) if someone is coming, and you can usually get away without being seen. Further, the only chance that someone will suffer from your eruption is if they happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe it's callous, but if someone happens to be that unlucky, maybe it's just their time. There's no sense in trying to defy fate.
Situation 4: You are in the elevator. If you fart, you are likely to be convicted. It's hard to fathom a situation in which you get off an elevator that you've fumigated, and the person taking your place doesn't shortly thereafter associate your face with poop smell. However, it's so delightfully cliche that I cannot condemn anyone for a little gas leak. Note that I am NOT arguing that you should fart here...just that I wouldn't be offended if someone did.
Situation 5: You are talking to your boss in his or her office. This one depends on the tone of the discussion and your feeling on your boss. Sometimes the best way to express disagreement or frustration is nonverbal, if you catch my drift (pun highly intended). If you bake brownies in your boss's office, be sure that it is not around performance evaluation season. The last thing you want in your employee file is that you did a "crappy job" a couple of days ago.
Situation 6: You haven't yet taken the Browns to the Super Bowl that day. Here you have to be careful, and the reasons are twofold: 1. You risk a severe odor, as the gas propulsion will be off the face of a turd, and 2. For the sake of your career, you MUST avoid a work shart at all costs. If you leave skidmarks at work, you will have to find a new job, and you can basically count on the fact that you won't get glowing recommendations from your prior management in your new job search.
Situation 7: The final situation that I will cover in this post is the walkin' farts...crop dusting, if you will. I say, "Them crops need to be dusted." In a busy office, there are generally many people walking around. It is nearly impossible to determine the culprit in this case. Sure, coworkers can have suspicions, but they'll never really know who it was. Furthermore, if they confront an innocent walker, the person will deny it, and more often than not, they'll be adamant (overly so). Thus, you can usually trick your coworkers into blaming that person for the nasal assault that you unleashed with no effort or acting on your part whatsoever.
I've just run through the most common situations you are likely to encounter, but this list is by no means exhaustive. If you have another situation, and you would like clarification on etiquette, please list that scenario (in detail) in the comments section, and I will address it when I get a chance. I hope this helped guide you through some sticky situations.
-FSG
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Punxsutawney's Limelight (or Shadow)
Well, it's 2/2, and that means one thing! It's Groundhog's Day! Our weathermen seem to get it wrong all the time, and presumably, so too are the meteorologists behind the pretty faces (I'm talking about you, Al Roker). Why not give Punxsutawney Phil a shot? Even if you don't believe that he deserves to have any say in the seasons (you're probably the type who is a militant evolutionist), you should show the furry little guy the respect he undoubtedly deserves. He's too damn cute to be the recipient of callous disrespect. I have proof:
Predict on, little man. Just because you're like Santa and French people, only working one day per year, doesn't diminish my glowing view of you!
-FSG
Predict on, little man. Just because you're like Santa and French people, only working one day per year, doesn't diminish my glowing view of you!
-FSG
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Freedom and Wealth
Today, on Steven Landsburg's blog, there was an interesting (albeit highly simplified) read about which sorts of freedoms have stronger correlations with wealth. I wish there was a link to the paper itself, because it seems like there may be a few dubious assumptions being made. Some are cosmetic, but some are deeper.
For example, the assumption that happiness can be measured in GDP per capita terms seems somewhat trivial. As discussed in the comments section, utility (mathematical measure of happiness) is generally measured in ability to purchase things (leisure time included), so to use the terms "wealth" and "happiness" interchangeably doesn't present any real issue. Essentially, that issue is merely semantic. As anyone who knows me, I'm not what Dr. Gregory House would call an "anti-semantic bastard," so I'm not bothered by the diction.
A much larger assumption is that of causation between economic freedom (capitalism) and per capita GDP. It's easy to tell a heuristic tale to explain something with causation, but it's not as easy to find empirically. For example, take Thomas L. Friedman's Golden Arches Theory of Conflict Prevention. Would you be willing to bet that if a McDonalds was reopened in Iran, the possibility of an armed conflict involving Iran and any countries on this list would be up in smoke? Clearly, McDonalds doesn't cause peace. Is there a confounding variable lurking somewhere in the third chart in the aforementioned blog post? I'm tempted to believe that there is not because I cannot think of any (not to say that none exist), and I'm not a strong believer in coincidence (although I do believe that there are unknown variables that cause phenomena).
-FSG
For example, the assumption that happiness can be measured in GDP per capita terms seems somewhat trivial. As discussed in the comments section, utility (mathematical measure of happiness) is generally measured in ability to purchase things (leisure time included), so to use the terms "wealth" and "happiness" interchangeably doesn't present any real issue. Essentially, that issue is merely semantic. As anyone who knows me, I'm not what Dr. Gregory House would call an "anti-semantic bastard," so I'm not bothered by the diction.
A much larger assumption is that of causation between economic freedom (capitalism) and per capita GDP. It's easy to tell a heuristic tale to explain something with causation, but it's not as easy to find empirically. For example, take Thomas L. Friedman's Golden Arches Theory of Conflict Prevention. Would you be willing to bet that if a McDonalds was reopened in Iran, the possibility of an armed conflict involving Iran and any countries on this list would be up in smoke? Clearly, McDonalds doesn't cause peace. Is there a confounding variable lurking somewhere in the third chart in the aforementioned blog post? I'm tempted to believe that there is not because I cannot think of any (not to say that none exist), and I'm not a strong believer in coincidence (although I do believe that there are unknown variables that cause phenomena).
-FSG
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