We all know about how "flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing, as that's generally taught from an early age because of its counterintuitivity (if you'll pardon my fabricated word).
However, there is a pair of phrases that troubles me far beyond the ability of the aforementioned contradiction. Look in any self respecting thesaurus, and you will find that the opposite of "up" is "down" and vice versa. Why then, I ask you, can one describe something that is a little further away on a particular course as being both "up the road" and "down the road?" That bothers me. If one means that it's ahead of you, the other should mean that the destination is behind you!
Aren't you all so glad that my sparks of lunacy are now available for you to experience?
-FSG
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Unlikely Alliance
It's official! The blog is back! I definitely have lots to say, but most of my notes aren't with me now, so I think I'll just dive back into things with a youtube link! Be sure to pay extra attention at the 1:18 mark, as a third animal that I shall call a "cantalope" (for reasons you'll find patently obvioius) appears! It is important to note however that "cantalope" is not to be confused with "cantaloupe," which is in fact not an animal at all.
Without further delay, I present to you the exploits of Spike and Visa:
http://youtu.be/czhpQe-56qg
-FSG
Without further delay, I present to you the exploits of Spike and Visa:
http://youtu.be/czhpQe-56qg
-FSG
Saturday, September 3, 2011
The Return
My internet and cable installation is scheduled for Friday, 9/9. The natural consequent is somewhat unfortunate for humanity: DOPP Lure Effect posts will once again be appearing for the world to see on a nearly daily basis once again! For the past several months, I've been percolating, and hear you me, I have a LOT of things to share, and now you're going to hear about them!
I've also decided to make a permanent feature out of NFL weekly previews due to the popularity of the playoff preview posts.
See you all soon,
FSG
I've also decided to make a permanent feature out of NFL weekly previews due to the popularity of the playoff preview posts.
See you all soon,
FSG
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Once the Strike Ends...
I have not been on strike from writing on the blog. However, a strike is preventing me from posting at this point. However, I am pleased to announce that I have officially decided to rejoin the century by ordering cable and internet after being without for many months. As soon as the Verizon strike is over, it will be installed, and my insane ramblings shall once again become a daily feature in your life should you choose to let them in. For now though, I must wrap up since I'm being mauled by mosquitoes.
-FSG
-FSG
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Viking Conquest
Recently, I moved from my old apartment to a new place. I originally decided to make the move for a conglomeration of three reasons:
1. My apartment had electric heat and poor insulation, so I damn near had to sell my organs on the black market to be able to afford the winter electric bills (to keep the temperature between 55 and 60).
2. New neighbors moved in, and they are punk boners. They would generally cram at least 10 douchebags into a studio apartment and then skateboard throughout the night outside my window while smoking. In fact the cops were called on them for noise complaints a few times (not by me, but I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't amused by the fact that cops came). In fact, once, the cops said to the rat bastards, "Keep it down because if you don't, we'll be back with a warrant, and from outside, we can smell things you don't want us finding."
3. My landlord tried to raise my rent by a ridiculous amount. I know for a fact that there are other people in the complex with upgraded appartments that were paying about $100 less than what they wanted from me for my old crappy one with the non-sliding door and the cracked two-toned ceiling. (Sidenote: I told the landlord that the door didn't slide open two years ago, and when I drove past the old apartment after I moved out, they were completely replacing the door. Just in the nick of time!)
This story, however, is not about the reasons for leaving. It is instead a tale about the new place. A few days after I moved in, I found a little "Welcome Gift" from the old occupants. I woke up one day with some little red marks on my ankles that itched like the dickens. I suspected I knew what the culprits were, but I wasn't sure. Then, I found one. The old occupants gave me fleas!
Needless to say, I called the local pest control company; the flea army drew the first blood, so it was time for war. Anyway, the consultant came out for a consultation and to give me a quote. A few days later, I had an appointment for a technician to eradicate the non-fleeing force. Both the technician and the consultant told me that after treatment, there was a thirty day guarantee of results, and the technician told me before he began treatment that I would need to vacuum every day for the next two weeks to combat the fleas. Then, I told him where the fleas were, and he went to work.
I came back after the requisite amount of time had elapsed, and I vacuumed, as I was instructed. After doing this for eight days, I received a bill showing a balance due (which was absurd because I had paid in full the day of the treatment). Confused, I called the company to inquire. The discussion went like this:
FSG: I received a bill, but I paid in full, so I'm having a tough time wrapping my head around a balance due.
Phonetard: We waived that, so you're okay.
FSG: Let me ask you one more thing. How long after treatment should I start stopping seeing fleas?
Phonetard: About a week.
FSG: Hmm. It's been eight days.
Phonetard: Let me check the file.
[pause]
Phonetard: You got the one time treatment, so there's no guarantee with that.
FSG: Say that to my good ear? Both the technician and the consultant said that there would be. I didn't pay for your company to come out, treat part of my house (the invoice showed that the technician didn't even go into the basement, where I told him I was experiencing a problem). I paid for you to complete the job.
Phonetard: I'll talk with my manager and give you a call tomorrow.
FSG: Okay.
When I hung up, I was a mix of peeved and proud; I was peeved for obvious reasons, and I was proud that I was able to abstain from referring to Phonetard as a "eunuch." How can a company come out, not do their job, then tell you that they were kidding about the guarantee of results? Anyway, the next day, another company representative called back to discuss how we would move forward:
Nice phone person: I know you spoke to [Phonetard] yesterday, and it turns out you were right. There is a guarantee. We can get out to you on Tuesday (this would be 13 days after the original treatment) after the holiday weekend.
FSG: Part of the reason I'm still having this problem is that the technician didn't spray the whole house, so I think you can come out tomorrow.
Nice phone person: Let me check the schedule.
[checks schedule]
Nice phone person: You're right. We can come out tomorrow!
FSG: Thank you. I appreciate your help.
Anyway, Friday, the new technician came out, and I explained to him that I wanted him to spray all the rugs and carpets. The way I see it, I am not calling the Viking people for company...I have enough of that with the fleas. He said he would, and I thanked him before leaving.
Now, I'm left to hope that the problem is actually solved. If it's not, I can almost guarantee another post.
-FSG
1. My apartment had electric heat and poor insulation, so I damn near had to sell my organs on the black market to be able to afford the winter electric bills (to keep the temperature between 55 and 60).
2. New neighbors moved in, and they are punk boners. They would generally cram at least 10 douchebags into a studio apartment and then skateboard throughout the night outside my window while smoking. In fact the cops were called on them for noise complaints a few times (not by me, but I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't amused by the fact that cops came). In fact, once, the cops said to the rat bastards, "Keep it down because if you don't, we'll be back with a warrant, and from outside, we can smell things you don't want us finding."
3. My landlord tried to raise my rent by a ridiculous amount. I know for a fact that there are other people in the complex with upgraded appartments that were paying about $100 less than what they wanted from me for my old crappy one with the non-sliding door and the cracked two-toned ceiling. (Sidenote: I told the landlord that the door didn't slide open two years ago, and when I drove past the old apartment after I moved out, they were completely replacing the door. Just in the nick of time!)
This story, however, is not about the reasons for leaving. It is instead a tale about the new place. A few days after I moved in, I found a little "Welcome Gift" from the old occupants. I woke up one day with some little red marks on my ankles that itched like the dickens. I suspected I knew what the culprits were, but I wasn't sure. Then, I found one. The old occupants gave me fleas!
Needless to say, I called the local pest control company; the flea army drew the first blood, so it was time for war. Anyway, the consultant came out for a consultation and to give me a quote. A few days later, I had an appointment for a technician to eradicate the non-fleeing force. Both the technician and the consultant told me that after treatment, there was a thirty day guarantee of results, and the technician told me before he began treatment that I would need to vacuum every day for the next two weeks to combat the fleas. Then, I told him where the fleas were, and he went to work.
I came back after the requisite amount of time had elapsed, and I vacuumed, as I was instructed. After doing this for eight days, I received a bill showing a balance due (which was absurd because I had paid in full the day of the treatment). Confused, I called the company to inquire. The discussion went like this:
FSG: I received a bill, but I paid in full, so I'm having a tough time wrapping my head around a balance due.
Phonetard: We waived that, so you're okay.
FSG: Let me ask you one more thing. How long after treatment should I start stopping seeing fleas?
Phonetard: About a week.
FSG: Hmm. It's been eight days.
Phonetard: Let me check the file.
[pause]
Phonetard: You got the one time treatment, so there's no guarantee with that.
FSG: Say that to my good ear? Both the technician and the consultant said that there would be. I didn't pay for your company to come out, treat part of my house (the invoice showed that the technician didn't even go into the basement, where I told him I was experiencing a problem). I paid for you to complete the job.
Phonetard: I'll talk with my manager and give you a call tomorrow.
FSG: Okay.
When I hung up, I was a mix of peeved and proud; I was peeved for obvious reasons, and I was proud that I was able to abstain from referring to Phonetard as a "eunuch." How can a company come out, not do their job, then tell you that they were kidding about the guarantee of results? Anyway, the next day, another company representative called back to discuss how we would move forward:
Nice phone person: I know you spoke to [Phonetard] yesterday, and it turns out you were right. There is a guarantee. We can get out to you on Tuesday (this would be 13 days after the original treatment) after the holiday weekend.
FSG: Part of the reason I'm still having this problem is that the technician didn't spray the whole house, so I think you can come out tomorrow.
Nice phone person: Let me check the schedule.
[checks schedule]
Nice phone person: You're right. We can come out tomorrow!
FSG: Thank you. I appreciate your help.
Anyway, Friday, the new technician came out, and I explained to him that I wanted him to spray all the rugs and carpets. The way I see it, I am not calling the Viking people for company...I have enough of that with the fleas. He said he would, and I thanked him before leaving.
Now, I'm left to hope that the problem is actually solved. If it's not, I can almost guarantee another post.
-FSG
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
On the Backs of Angels
I must say that I'm eagerly anticipating the arrival of September, the 13th specifically. That's the day that one of my favourite bands (okay, that's an understatement) will unleash their newest album (eleventh studio recording), A Dramatic Turn of Events, on the world. Naturally, with Mike Portnoy having left the band, I am extremely curious to see what the new sound will be. The iconic drummer was, in my mind, the heart and soul of the band as well as its creative mastermind.
Today, my curiosity was somewhat appeased with the release of the first single from A Dramatic Turn of Events. From the first listen, I absolutely love On the Backs of Angels. It's got the glorious amalgamation of ballsiness and musicianship I have come to love with this band. I can't wait to hear the rest of the album!
-FSG
Today, my curiosity was somewhat appeased with the release of the first single from A Dramatic Turn of Events. From the first listen, I absolutely love On the Backs of Angels. It's got the glorious amalgamation of ballsiness and musicianship I have come to love with this band. I can't wait to hear the rest of the album!
-FSG
Monday, June 6, 2011
Weiner, Weiner, Chicken Deiner!
I'm still low on internet (although that should be remedied in the near future), so I must be brief, but I couldn't resist schlepping across the parking lot to secure the use of an unsecured network for this story.
Please tell me I'm not the only person who finds it absurdly hilarious that the dude's name is "Weiner."
-FSG
Please tell me I'm not the only person who finds it absurdly hilarious that the dude's name is "Weiner."
-FSG
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