Thursday, April 28, 2011

Lacking the Internets

The past few days, I've had limited internet connectivity at best, so that is the reason for the lack of posts.  Worry not.  As soon as the problem is rectified, there will be a slew of posts.  It's kind of like holding in a poop in a way.  The more you hold it, the more it builds up, and then BAM.  It all comes out!  Pardon the analogy...It was just the most apt way to express the situation.


Friday, April 22, 2011

Mighty "The Steve Irwin" Mullet

It's time for a double header of Mighty Mullet!  Enjoy.


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Share the Sidewalk!

On my run today, I was reacquainted with a pet peeve of mine that I (thankfully) hadn't encountered in quite some time.  I am of course talking about flocks of blockheads who believe that the sidewalk exists for their existence and their existence only.  Below is a guide to dealing with this sort of irksome being.

Step 1:  Recognize them when you see them.  While walking down the street, you will see a set of at least two people that look like they desire nothing more in life than to play Red Rover with complete strangers.

Step 2:  This depends on whether you are walking in the same direction or the opposite one, as signals must be different to stimulate different senses in these inconsiderate bastard:
A.  You are behind them walking in the same direction at a quicker pace.  In this case, I find it's best to make loud noises (eg. a sneeze, a growl, or a fart *so long as it's a cheek flapper*).  If the perps still don't get the hint and move their asses, it is not only socially acceptable, but it is necessary for the rest of society to push your way between them...Bonus points if you can interrupt their conversation.
B.  You are in front of them walking in the opposite direction.  Here, you have the obligation to stimulate their visual senses as well.  Perhaps flailing your arms or staring the group down (bonus points if you're cross-eyed and can stare them all down at once).  Again, if they don't move, you have the civic duty to pass right through them like shit through a goose.

Step 3:  Wait around for your Nobel Prize.

I know we all encounter this sort of thing from time to time, so I hope the above guide helps you next time you find yourself in this irritating situation.


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Cuban Shakeup?

I just read this article, and the fact that there's a chance of a monumental change in the Cuban political field, I can't help but wonder whether or not it's right to call the potential for Cubans to cut off the Castros as "Castration."


We Set the City on Fire with the Heart of the Child's Desire

Today's post is basically a plug for an amazing album.  Last Christmas, I was given a copy of  The Whirlwind by Transatlantic, and after several months, I am confident in saying that this is one of the greatest albums I've ever heard.  The songs on disk 1 represent a masterful blend of Kansas, Rush, Led Zeppelin, and of course Dream Theater (although not quite as heavy), and they flow together seamlessly.  Disk 2 is comprised of obscure cover songs, and it too is phenomenal.

Due to the musicianship and the rare combination of singability (without being annoyingly catchy), this album has vaulted up to the top spot in my road trip album list.  I'm frankly not surprised by this given that Mike Portnoy's genius is behind the band.

Below is a clip from one of the songs.  It kills me a little to give just a small taste from midway through the album, as with albums like this, I much prefer to listen from start to finish without a break.  However, the below should give you a little taste of the awesomeness that is this album.

And one from disk 2 (which need not be listened to in order in nearly the same sense as the first disk):


Monday, April 18, 2011

Alcohol Unicorn Blood Chili

It's time for another Epic Mealtime adventure, this time with a dominant species mixing inferior species in a eat.  The food, as always, is over the top, and the commentary, as always, is well...over the top.  Turn the volume up and enjoy the creation and ingestion of "crazy alcohol rainbow pig."

Sunday, April 17, 2011


The other day, I cooked with an artichoke; the end product was to be spinach and artichoke pizza with garlic/black pepper/oregano infused olive oil as the sauce on a whole wheat crust.  As a sidenote, I suggest you try making it yourself because it was incredible.  Anyway, as with most foods, I get curious as to the nutritional value.  Since artichokes don't come with a label, I turned to Al Gore's brainchild, the interweb.

What I found was stunning.  Artichokes only provide 76 calories.  On the same webpage in the prior link, it also states that it is a good food for weight loss.  After preparing the unique looking vegetable, I must say that I find this conclusion patently obvious and borderline trivial.  Anyone who's ever dealt with an artichoke knows what I'm talking about.  It is a heck of a lot of work!  I surmise that one would burn off more calories trying to prepare the food than one would take in from eating it.

As a corollary, I will argue that chocolate is great for weight gain.  It's got many more calories, and it's much easier to procure the end product from its (somewhat less naturally occurring) wrapper.

Rather than just complain about the caloric mathematics of artichokes, I would like to pose a solution that was given to me by a faithful reader.  His idea involved tipping the balance of calories in/calories out by increasing calories in (while improving taste).  It had to be that way because the "calories out" is pretty much constant, whereas adding things to the artichoke can increase the "calories in."  The solution is so elegant and refined that I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I wasn't able to come up with it on my own:  Wrap it in bacon!


Friday, April 15, 2011

The Tax Man Cometh

It's April 15, and that of course means it's Tax Day. In honor of this infamous black mark on our calendars, and in light of yesterday's post, I found the text on my daily calendar quite fitting. It asked me a hypothetical question, and I would like to pose it to you, the reader, below:

If there was a lawyer and an IRS agent who were both about to die, and you could only save one, would you:
Eat lunch
Take a nap free polls


Thursday, April 14, 2011

Lawyer Jokes!

I recently had a run in with a lawyer who I have since relieved of his duties due to shoddy work (egregious typos on contract addenda...including but hardly limited to the use of the word "ether" in lieu of "either") and some misrepresentation, but it got me thinking that it's high time to post some lawyer jokes!!!  For your pleasure:

Q:  What's the difference between a lawyer and a snail?
A:  One's a scum sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a mollusk.

Q:  How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer in the road?
A:  Vultures aren't gagging over the skunk.

Q:  How do you tell if it's REALLY cold outside?
A:  The lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.

Q:  Why have some beachfront cities banned lawyers?
A:  Because cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.

Q:  What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road?
A:  There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q:  What do lawyers use for birth control?
A:  Their personalities.

And my favourite:

Q:  What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A:  Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes!


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Syndicated Columnist???

On my rounds of the sports websites, I happened upon a dandy at  I will copy/paste the text below in case it is edited again, but who knows whether that will happen given that the page already says it was edited 6 minutes after the post time.  Anyway, behold the grammatical atrocity (read: "conjugation party fouls and missing words") that is this article.  I, for one, threw up a little in my mouth reading it:

"Edmonton Oilers won the NHL Draft Lottery Tuesday, allowing them to select first second consecutive year at June's draft.

Only the five worst finishing teams this season --- Ottawa Senators, Edmonton Oillers, Florida Panthers, Corloado Avalanche and New York Islanders --- were eligible for the for the top pick. The Oilers, who won the lottery a season ago and selected forward Taylor Hall wit the first overall pick, has the best odds (48.2 percent) to get the prized No. 1 selection. 

“Winning this first overall pick is an important moment for the organization and it’s an integral part of the process moving forward,” Oilers GM Steve Tambellini said in a statement. “This is a very exciting time for our organization and our fans as this just adds to the already bright future of our team.”

The Colorado Avalanche will select second followed by the Florida Panthers, the New Jersey Devils and the New York Islanders. 

Teams finishing seventh through 14th overall --- including Colorado which has a conditional pick from St. Louis ---  also had a chance to move up the board and the Devils advanced the furthest, moving up four spots.

Ottawa, conversly, was knocked out of the top-5 and will pick sixth"


This Day in History

A friend pointed out to me today that this is an interesting date in American history.  On April 12, 1861, exactly 150 years ago, the first shot of the Civil War rang out at Fort Sumter in Virginia.  After 34 hours of fire from the Confederate forces, Fort Sumter had fallen, and the most devastating war in American history was underway.


Monday, April 11, 2011

Chai It Again

Two weekends ago, I found myself in a coffee shop in upstate NY.  It was fantastic in that it had two chess tables and an expansive menu.  Long story short, I began by partaking in the chess when I decided I wanted a drink.  At the suggestion of a close friend, I ordered a chai latte.  Needless to say, my suggestor knew me pretty well, and the drink was a delight.  I'd had chai tea before, but that is clearly a horse of a different color.  I asked how it was made so creamy, and I was informed that milk was used to attain that quality.

Fast forward a week and a half, and yours truly is sitting with thirst, a half gallon of milk in the fridge, and some pumpkin spice chai tea bags in the cabinet.  As you no doubt could have guessed, a lightbulb went off above me (unlike Chuck Norris, the sun wasn't created by this thought).  Anyway, I proceeded to heat some milk and dunk the tea bag in it.  It didn't take long for the milk to transform from white to mother of pearl, and I was quite excited for the delicious treat I was about to enjoy.  Then, I lifted the mug to my lips for some good old fashioned imibition.  It tasted nothing like what I'd hoped.  I can't quite figure out what it's missing...Whether I had too great of a milk to teabag ratio or whether I excluded a necessary ingredient is beyond me.  All I know is that while it wasn't terrible, it's not something that I could proudly serve to anyone.

Please, if you know what I'm missing or have any suggestions/hints about how I can make a less crappy drink, let me know!  I beg of you!


Sunday, April 10, 2011


While searching through the TV channel guide, I stumbled upon something amusing.  History Channel has had a show called "Only in America with Larry the Cable Guy" for a while now, and I finally got an opportunity to partake in the spectacle.  I think the only way to describe it would be a mix of "Dirty Jobs" and "Hillbilly Hand Fishing."

The basic premise of the show is that Larry goes around the country looking at some quintessentially American jobs, meeting with representatives, and making redneck jokes!  Right now, he is in a back yard with a pool that looks filled with (as he says) "poop water."  They are trying to remove an alligator from said poop water with a fishing pole.  I'm of course going with a small sample size of episodes (or parts of episodes), but I highly recommend giving this show a try.


Saturday, April 9, 2011

Oddly Specific Fortune

I tend to have a habit of being on the receiving end of some interesting fortunes within cookies.  In the past, I've gotten dandies including but not limited to:

"Be patient.  The Great Wall didn't got build in just one year."
"There's no time like the pleasant."

Today, I opened my cookie, wide eyed and optimistic, and my eyes gazed down eagerly.  What I read was grammatically correct (a nice surprise), and by leaps and bounds the most predictive and specific fortune I've ever seen:

"You will soon be invited to a karaoke party."

From a logic standpoint and extrapolation from the past into the future, I am skeptical, but at the same time, I just can't bring myself to neglect the cookie's wisdom.  Time will tell.


Thursday, April 7, 2011

Beer Song!

I'd like to start by apologizing if I've posted this before.  I don't feel like going through all the old posts, nor do I have the time right now, so if it's already on here somewhere, please happily accept my gift of reprisal (is that the right word?).  As is Thursday tradition, it's time for the Red Birds to fly again in Quizzo.  As such, beer will most assuredly flow, and so I would like to present you with a beer song that is only a half a notch below Homer Simpson's "D'oh Re Mi" song (which unfortunately, I cannot find on youtube, or I would post that as well).

Warning:  This song is highly catchy, and there's no guarantee that you will be able to get it out of your head.


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Run, FSG, Run!

As someone who enjoys a nice cathartic run with adrenaline pumping music playing, I took the opportunity to make the most out of the terrific weather today.  For my third run of the calendar year (and my first in about a month), I'm surprised I managed to post 6.25 miles.  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  Then, it seemed like a slightly worse idea shortly after.  I'm guessing it will seem like a God awful one tomorrow.  Anyway, I told you that story to introduce you to a very cool website that a faithful reader showed me many moons ago. 

USA Track and Field has a tool with which one can chart his or her runs (hehe...pardon the poop joke double meaning) to determine distance logged.  I generally like to just run like Forrest Gump and then determine the distance ex post.  However, I suppose if you prefer to know beforehand, and you don't mind sticking to a strict course (instead of improvising like I do...if I see something shiny, I gravitate towards it...what can I say?), you could presumably* chart a run ex ante.  I hope you find this as useful and fun as I do.  Happy trails!

*The word "presumably" was used here because while I have not tried this, and thus I cannot attest to anything concrete, I cannot fathom any inhibitors or obstacles to doing this.


Tuesday, April 5, 2011

When the Boogie Man Goes to Sleep at Night...

...he checks his close for Chuck Norris.  In honor of the amazing shirt I purchased last weekend, I'd like to share with you some of my favourite Chuck Norris Jokes Facts.

1.  Chuck Norris doesn't get excited to receive gifts from Santa.  Santa gets excited to give gifts to Chuck Norris.

2.  Chuck Norris can tell you how to get to Sesame Street.

3.  Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris upper cutted a horse.

4.  Chuck Norris counted to infinity.  Twice.

5.  "Between a rock and a hard place" refers to Chuck Norris's fists.

6.  Yoda used to be 6 feet tall till he tried that "Force" crap on Chuck Norris.

7.  Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC because "Law" and "Order" are the trademarked names of his right and left legs.

8.  I once had an idea, and a lightbulb appeared over my head.  Chuck Norris had an idea, and the sun was created.

9.  Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn.  He stares at it and dares it to grow.

10.  There is no theory of Evolution...Just a list of creatures that Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

11.  Chuck Norris tried to join the military, but it was in violation of the Geneva Convention.

12.  Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

13.  The only hand that can beat a royal flush is Chuck Norris's.

14.  Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

15.  Remember the Soviet Union?  It quit after watching a Walker, Texas Ranger marathon.

What are some of your favourites?


Monday, April 4, 2011

GERONIM-NO!!! once again amuses me, this time with something that reminds me of the movie, "Heavyweights."  Something tells me Tony Perkis would neither "feel the chi" nor "repulse the monkey" with this little activity.

Belly Flopping Physics
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Sunday, April 3, 2011

What a Weekend

I realize that I haven't posted in a while, but I have good reason.  Over the past four days, I've driven 1,083.7 miles in order to visit some close college friends all over the place.  Try though I might, I can't think of a better use for those miles.  I don't mean to get too sappy or over the top, but I have the best friends ever.  End of story.

In other news, I found (and purchased) quite possibly the finest t-shirt ever created.  It's hard to tell from the picture, but the atomic number of "Sp" is infinity squared.  I know that one faithful reader may argue that it should be "infinity + 3," but let's not let that detract from the unfettered awesom-eness that is the shirt design.  Anyway, tomorrow, I'll be back up with a new post.