Monday, October 31, 2011

Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood

I had several posts that I thought would be interesting for today, but after seeing a commercial during Countdown before Monday Night Football, I had to call an audible.  It was an Applebees ad, and the company is once again going to serve our veterans and active military members on the house.  I, for one, absolutely love that Applebees is doing this, and I'll be choosing that chain over its competitors when I'm in the mood for that type of food in the future.

There will be a more interesting post tomorrow, but I wanted to bring this to everyone's attention because I find it intensely praiseworthy.


Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Great Birdfeeder in the Sky

The other day, I was talking with a coworker about a bird that had passed away near the entrance to work.  At first, we both felt badly, although we realized that there was nothing we could have done to help this swallow.  Shortly thereafter, my collegue turned the situation into an academic experiment.  He said, "When a person dies, he becomes an angel and get wings.  When a bird dies, does he lose his wings?"

In honor of the poor little bird, I'd like to share a clip of the most glorified his species has been in major cinema:

Monday, October 24, 2011

Bag-el Mistake

Well, I learned a very important lesson today.  I'd like to share it to you as well as breaking down where I went so unambiguously and tragically wrong so you can learn from my mistake and avoid a treacherous repeat.  I pulled a bagel out of a bag to put some cream cheese on it for breakfast.  It just so happens that the flavour I grabbed was cinnamon raisin.  However, after I dressed the carby goodness with its spread and took a bite, I noticed something unexpected.  This particular baked delight tasted of cinnamon and raisins, but somewhat surprisingly, it also tasted like onion.  Apparently, if when you're selecting bagels, and you put them in the same bag, you can expect the extra pungent ones to adulterate the rest.  Luckily, this experience was not half as bad as when I made oatmeal in a container I'd just finished using to hold roasted jalapenos and beans (thus creating the unholiest oatmeal taste known to this world).

While on the subject of onion bagels though, I find it rather annoying that before it is toasted, the onions are sticky as all get-out.  It's only after you toast them that the little onion bits don't stick to your hands.  Call me crazy, but shouldn't bagel makers bake the onions into the dough instead of haphazardly sticking it to the top (and sometimes the bottom) of the bagel?  Would that not make a vastly superior breakfast experience?


Friday, October 21, 2011


The other day, I got an email with the following jokes. I found a bunch of them pretty funny, so I figured I'd share. Is it just me, or does this list remind you a little bit of George Carlin?

 A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”. The operator says, “How do you know?” He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest one she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg.”

Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine... until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think it’s time to change dentists?

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles… but at least they drive slowly past schools.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Comcast Jr?

Earlier in the year, I went without internet and cable for many months because of a fight I had with Comcast.  The crux of the issue was that my promotion ran out, so I was hit with an increase from $80/month to $145/month.  When I opened the envelope my eyes nearly bulged out of my head.  Frantically, I called Customer Service.  After somehow navigating my way through a voice activated maze that even Algernon would have struggled with, I got to a human (and I use the term loosely).  They "sympathized" and told me they could offer me $125/month, but that was the best they could do.  I told them I'd think about it but that it was likely more than I could afford and that I'd call them back in a few days.  A week or so later, I called and spoke with a manager.  Luckily, I'd left virtual breadcrumbs Hansel and Gretel style, so I got through the maze with ease this time.  The manager did some "research" and told me they could get me down to $100.  My response to this offer was, "I'm going to have to cancel service.  It's not you...It's me."  The next minute, my cable and internet were gone.  I don't regret it though...The relationship had become abusive, and I deserve to be treated like a lady!

Fast forward to a few days ago, and the receipt of my first Verizon bill.  The number was quite a bit higher than the number that was sold to me over the phone, so I called in to state my case.  The phone maze was pretty much on par with Comcast.  The magical voice directed me this way and that.  At one point, it said, "Please enter the three digit number after your ten digit phone number at the top right of the first page of your bill."  I don't consider myself to be the smartest person alive, but I also don't think I'm a complete moron.  Anyway, my phone number doesn't appear anywhere on the bill, let alone in the top right section of page one.  There's actually a different phone number there.  SO, the female Wizard of Oz wannabe on the other end of the line told me that she would call me back at the phone number linked to my account in exactly one minute.

One minute passed, then a second and a third...Still nothing.  She must have had the wrong number on file and called some poor confused soul rather than me.  Anyway, I called back and finally got to a person.  I explained my predicament and the fact that I wasn't exactly pleased with the difference in pricing between what my bill says and what I bought.  Up to this point, I believed that I was dealing with Comcast's illigitimate son.  However, the person on the other end of the line working for Verizon was very helpful.  Long story short (and now the buildup is becoming uneventful), Verizon, after the original annoyance and difficulty, is vastly superior to Comcast.


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Teach Me How to Carlton

Today, I was thinking about favourite television shows from when I was growing up, and there was one particular spot of pure absurdity that stood out immediately. As you can probably surmise from the title of the post, the show is The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.  Who could forget Geoffrey or his one liners, the Uncle Phil fat jokes, or the greatest thing ever:


Tuesday, October 18, 2011


Well, well, well.  Today, I took a very important measure to ensure my invincibility into the near future.  That's right...I got a flu shot.  Now, like C. Montgomery Burns, I am indestructible!  Just try to destruct me...but only after you've prepared yourself to accept abject failure (unless you infect me with strep throat, as it has been brought to my attention that it presents the only chink in my otherwise impenetrable armour).

Monday, October 17, 2011

More Puns!

Today, I received an email with a set of puns, and as usual, I was quite amused.  I'd like to share some of the highlights of the email with you now:

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.  I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3.  No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

4.  Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

5.  I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

6.  The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

7.  A backward poet writes inverse.

8.  When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

9.  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root  canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

10.  There was the person who posted ten puns with the hope that at least one of the puns would make people laugh.  Apparently... No pun in ten did.


Thursday, October 13, 2011

Tea Party vs. Occupy Wall Street

There have been two sets of widespread protests in the past few years, and both have different aims.  In this post, I don't necessarily care to differentiate the two, and having never experienced an Occupy Wall Street rally in person, I am not in a position to really comment on it.  However, I have seen the media and politician reaction, and that is what I would like to discuss.

Let's focus on my favourite ex-speaker.  Her reaction (the name of the video is hilarious by the way) and her other reaction to the protests that she disagrees with show that she seeks to vilify and demonize those who dissent.  Having been to several tea party rallies, I can say that I have heard nothing remotely violent stated...even from the people who were a little "out there."  The ralliers were generally just people concerned about the direction of the nation, and in my experience, they were some of the more courteous people I'd met.  I'm not saying everyone there fell in to that category; they certainly did not.  However, this crowd was as non-violent as I could have imagined.  Her reaction to the Occupy Wall Street protests is a little different.

She's not the only one, but I am going to use her as the example.  Politicians on both sides engage in this sort of tactic, and I find it sickening.  If thousands non-affiliated people have rally together across the country with something to say, politicians should be listening rather than seeking to support or delegitimize based on whether or not they agree with the demonstrators.  These demonstrations present a golden opportunity to have real discussions in Washington, yet our politicians certainly don't view it that way.  Either the protesters are heroes or pests, but they are never always just Americans.  In no way do I mean this paragraph to support either rally (although if you read the blog, you can probably guess which I closer align with).

Since life shouldn't all be serious, I present to you a cartoon:


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Cop Car Models

Today, on my commute I was driving past someone who had just been pulled over while heading in the opposite direction of both the other motorist and the officer.  Luckily for the detained driver, he was not being arrested.  In fact, unlike the last time I posted on a similar encounter, this post will focus on the police officer, and more specifically, his car.

Have you ever consciously realized that when you drive past a car with a specific set of headlights (regardless of whether it has a red and blue rack atop it), you get a little more cautious than usual?  I understand that cops use unmarked cars because people generally act more as they normally would on the road if they don't see a cop car near them.  However, the fact that departments only use a handful of car models (and more often than not, Ford Crown Vic) for their panda cars negates this to some degree.  I know that any time I see a Crown Vic or a Dodge Charger, I automatically assume it's a black and white (not a black and white in this sense though).

I can't say that I understand why departments don't buy a large assortment of different cars to accomplish their goals.  They could even manage to do that without breaking tradition and purchasing foreign cars (although I'd have no aversion to such a thing).  Am I the only one that feels this way, or do you feel that you can generally spot an unmarked cop car without breaking a sweat?


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

When I was Your Age

The other day, I was thinking about cartoons today versus cartoons from when I was growing up.  Like any grumpy old person, I will argue that cartoons from my day were far wittier and more amusing both then and now than the stuff kids are watching today.  I'll just leave you with two examples, and I think it would be hard to argue that anything could top these:


Monday, October 10, 2011

Time and Space Continuum

I was walking my dog today, and as usual, he was pulling like a little fiend.  I'd argue that the sentence most descriptive of his leash walking skills is, "He's off like a bull with gas."  Anyway, that is inconsequential to the story, so I'm going to stay away from that tangential discussion.

I was walking in the eastward direction, and about a hundred feet ahead of me was a woman with a golden retriever.  She and her dog were stopped, as her dog was sniffing around.  She then saw me and yelled out with a vitriolic and accusatory tone while pointing to the ground, "Is this your dog's?!?"  Completely confused, I said, "What?"

She got even angrier as she elaborated and said, "Did you forget to clean up after your dog?"  At this point, I'm flabbergasted.  I've been BEHIND her the whole time walking in the SAME direction, and she has the manberries to accuse me of not cleaning up dog poop (supposedly from my dog) that happens to be in an area that I clearly hadn't been yet.  Either this individual thinks so highly of me that she thinks I can transcend time and space OR she thinks that I set up this elaborate poop trap well before she got there.  If I wasn't so taken back by the foolishness and aggressiveness of the accusation, I would have laid into her for being nasty in her retardation, but alas, it was not the case.


Thursday, October 6, 2011

Whack Off (the Road)

I was on the highway today, and from afar, I saw lights on the back of a department of transportation truck signaling that motorists were to get out of the left lane.  As I approached, I saw something that I think is about the WORST use of taxpayer money than I've ever seen.  That's saying a lot because I've seen  some pretty useless road construction where one guy is jack-hammering while ten others are "supervising."

However, till today, I had never seen a road construction site where every worker was doing something, which was a nice little surprise...That is until I was able to wrap my head around what they were doing.  They were using weed-whackers on the median!  Instead of cutting weeds, they were actually just kicking up rocks and flinging them at cars.  I'm not making this up either...I wish I'd been able to take a picture to prove it.  All I can say is that I'm SO glad my tax dollars are hard at work.


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

Today, driving to work, I saw an animal in the road.  It was alive and kickin' so don't worry; this is not a sad story.  It's instead a story of disguise.  This small mammal was like nothing I'd ever seen before, so I was confused.  *Note:it was early, and I'm not (at least I hope) retarded*  This particular beast was no bigger than a small loaf of bread (think the loaves from Outback).  It had no tail, which lead me to believe that it was probably a rabbit.  However, hopping was clearly not its in its repertoire of means of conveyance, so that theory was quickly dispelled.

It became apparent as I neared the furry ball of mystery that it was a squirrel.  Upon stumbling upon this realization, I realized that this squirrel was probably trying to fool the world into thinking he was a bobcat.  I can't say that I understand his logic though, as squirrels don't hunt bobcats in the same way that wolves kill livestock.

I've since pondered several hypotheses to explain the tail bobbage on this little fellow, but I'm having difficulty determining which is the case.  Let me know what you think:

1. He was hiking out West, got caught under a rock, and cut it off with a knife to survive.
2. Squirrel tails are like kids' teeth, and he was in the process of getting his adult tail.
3. His father was a bulldog.

Any other ideas?  I'm at a loss...


Monday, October 3, 2011

"Doo" Process

I have a lot of thoughts on the Al Awlaki killing, but I don't think they can be summed up as eloquently or as succinctly as this:

"Does the administration not see at all how a president asserting that he has the right to kill an American citizen without due process and that he's not even going to explain why he thinks he has that right is troublesome to some people?"

I'm not making any comment about the guilt or innocence of the deceased in question; like you, I have seen no evidence.  Regardless, as an American citizen, the Constitution does guarantee him due process of the law whether we like it or not.  This killing represents our government believing that without presenting a case to the public (let alone a jury), it can kill US citizens.

I have to say that as it is right now, I agree with Ron Paul on this one.  The Presidential Oath of Office very clearly states that one of the two jobs of the presidency is to "preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States," to the best of his or her ability.  Couple that with the Fifth Amendment...

Amendment V
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

...and you get a big problem.  When confronted, the White House Spokesman basically just said that he wouldn't get into the crux of the issue.  If you are going to violate the Constitution, you better damn well have an explanation (not that I will accept it other than on rare occasion).


Saturday, October 1, 2011

Fitting Stock Ticker Abbreviation

There are some stocks with abbrefiations that make sense based on their company name and others that do not.  Good examples of ones that are intuitive are BUD is Anheuser Busch and NFLX is Netflix.  An illustrative sample of ones that do not would be Altria (MO).  However, there is one stock that could not be abbreviated in a more fitting way.  I am of course talking about aluminum giant, Alcoa.  The ticker symbol for Alcoa is AA, and I don't believe the reason is because of the bookend letters on the company's name as much as it is a preemptive way to combat alcoholism that can result from the stock's performance.

Thinking about it, it's quite brilliant.  Now, whenever shareholders go to look at their portfolios, they will see returns in a deep crimson color, but then they'll see "AA" on their screen, and it will remind them not to drink at a very appropriate time for such a warning.

Lastly, I'd be lying if I said I didn't choose BUD deliberately above knowing what was to come in the post.