Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Word Play

The other day, a friend sent me a list of words published by Washington Post's Mensa invitational.  The list is comprised of two sets of words.  The first was generated by adding, deleting, or changing one letter in an already existing word and supplying a new definition.  Some of my favourites in this category are:

  • Ignoranus - A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
  • Intaxication - Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  • Bozone - The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  • Sarchasm - The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 
  • Dopeler Effect - The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
     come at you rapidly. 

The second list is comprised of already existing words that have been provided with new definitions.  Some of the highlights here are:

  • Willy-nilly - adj. Impotent.
  • Flatulence - n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been  
     run over by a steamroller.
  • Balderdash - n. A rapidly receding hairline.
  • Pokemon - n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.
  • Oyster - n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Inspired by the above, I decided to give it a try myself.  Here are some of my brainchildren:

Type 1
  • Gasshole - (n.) That jerk who farts in elevators.
  • Cusstard - (n.)  A crass idiot
  • Diplumacy - (n.) The act of flipping someone the bird
  • Infestine - (adj.) Of or relating to digestive parasites
  • Infinote - (n.) A very long letter
  • Cornycopia - (n.) An extremely sappy moment
  • Batlas - (n.) A cave map
  • Atmessphere - (n.) Air filled with dust or pollen
  • Unflortunate - (adj.) Of or relating to spilling something that will stain your carpet
  • Sintillating - (adj.) Of or relating to anything shiny or bright in Las Vegas
Type 2
  • Copious - (adj.) Of or relating to a long, dragging sermon
  • Pacifist - (n.) A call for a celebratory fist bump
  • Metrosexual - (n.) A public transit fetishist
  • Vigorous - (adj.) Of or relating to the bookie's cut of a bet
  • Trefoil - (n.) Tinsel decoration
  • Nunchuck - (v.) To throw a nun
  • Donkey - (v.) To wear a key on a necklace

I'm intrigued to see what you guys come up with.  Please put your best in the comments section!


Monday, November 29, 2010

I Am Serious, and Don't Call Me Shirley!

As a pun fan, one of my favourite movies of all time is the timeless masterpiece that is "Airplane."  Today, Leslie Nielsen passed away, and as a mini-tribute, I present to you the following clip:



Friday, November 26, 2010

Dense Population

This happened a few months ago, but its humor value has stayed rather steady.  Will it ever get old?  "We don't anticipate that happening."

I present to you the United States Representative from Georgia's 4th district (who won reelection with 75% of the vote in 2010, mind you):


Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving

To all of our readers, have a happy and healthy Thanksgiving.  For your enjoyment, I've compiled a set of photos to represent this great American tradition.








And to end this little parade off in the most traditional way, as I see fit:


-DOPP Staff

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Man Food

A few months ago, I stumbled upon a glorious website.  A cyberland where men can only salivate and fantasize about what they see becoming reality.  Few can resist it's allure.  I often find its images ingrained in my thoughts and imprinted in my subconscious.  Don't worry...It's completely safe for work.

Just an example of one of the cooler things your unbelieving eyes will behold:
The BBQ Pulled Pork Donut Sandwich


Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Touch My Junk Redux

In yesterday's post, I discussed current TSA procedures.  Today, I would like to use this post to do two things: 1. Put forth a fairly common sense solution and 2. Bemoan having a certain sketch comedy show make a skit based on a joke I made before the skit came out (and to give props since it amused me nonetheless).

1. I don't think anyone claims that metal detectors or other non-intrusive (at least compared to the two search procedures detailed yesterday) are unconstitutional.  Instead of being a "search," it merely signals to authorities that there is probable cause for more scrutiny.  Clearly, metal detectors don't detect every object that terrorists have tried to use in attacks in the past, but why not use the body scan technology to signal to authorities when there is probable cause for a search instead of using it as the search itself?  What if we were to have fliers enter the body scan machine, but in lieu of a real full body image, the monitor would display a cartoon avatar that would place a red dot over any suspicious areas?  People whose scans produce a red spot would then be subjected to more scrutiny.  The end result would be a more reliable screening process than just metal detectors, shorter, more expeditious security lines, and allayed concerns about civil liberties violations.

2. Last week, while discussing the "merits" of the screenings, I said that buying a plane ticket was a safer, cleaner option than "men and women of the night".


Monday, November 22, 2010

If You Touch My Junk, I'll Have You Arrested!

I wish that I had posted my prediction from a week or so ago here so there would be proof that I called the event that transpired today.  After considering that fliers have a choice of having naked pictures taken of them, viewed by complete strangers, and then stored on government computers OR be molested by the aforementioned strangers, I came to the conclusion that it was only a matter of time before someone stripped right on the spot to prove a point.  Well, today, I became correct.  What's more is that he was arrested, and in my mind, all he did was try to facilitate the goals of the TSA and our lovely protectress (you may know her as Big Sis).

Anyone who knows me knows that I am completely of the school that the Constitution is an outdated document of the past, but humor me as I play Devil's Advocate.  I present to you the highly non-contemporary Fourth Amendment:

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

While it's fairly clear that the likes of Jefferson, Adams, Madison, and a few other short-sighted geezers could not envision the challenges of aviation safety (or aviation, for that matter), let's try this little thought experiment anyway.  My main question is, "Is this Constitutional?"

To tackle this, let's start by asking whether this qualifies as a "search or seizure" and if so, whether the "search or seizure" involves "persons, houses, papers, and effects."  It's pretty clear that they're looking for something, so I'm going to say that it is a "search."  They're looking at and feeling dangly bits, hoo hoos, and ta tas, so I'm also going to claim that the "search" involves "persons."

The next question is, "is it unreasonable?"  Well, I can't say I've ever thought that molestation or forced porn was "reasonable."  Maybe I'm in the minority here; perhaps such humiliating, dehumanizing things are totally appropriate.  However, let's not forget the fact that it wasn't too long ago we were considering loud music in Gitmo as "torture" and calling for an end to it (and those detainees aren't even entitled to Constitutional rights).  The only way that "torture" could be even remotely comparable is if the "music" they were subjected to was this particular rendition of "The Final Countdown."

So I've argued that we have an unreasonable search of persons here.  It seems there's just one more thing to consider before we can claim that there is an egregious violation here (recall the "shall not be violated" phrase in the italicized text above).  Is there probable cause?  In some cases, certainly, yes.  However, I challenge anyone to explain where the probable cause was here or here or here.  If there is no probable cause in these cases, what is the mechanism by which it is determined?  The short answer is that probable cause does not exist.  Big Sis and her TSA minions are fairly explicitly saying that they believe we are all terrorists.  As such, we are all guilty until we have our most basic, fundamental properties violated to exonerate ourselves.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not ignorant of the threat to our security that can result from air travel.  However, we should focus our defense on people, not objects.  We have never been attacked by objects.  Before 9/11, we allowed small knives on planes.  After, we banned basically anything metal and somewhat sharp (including nail clippers).  After the attempted shoe bomber, we forced everyone to take their shoes off to go through security.  After the underwear bomber (aka The Ball Buster), we have to get naked or groped.  It's clear that if a terrorist wants to attack, he will find a new way to get an object around security; that is the nature of reactive defense.  God help us if someone tries to sneak a rectal bomb (not talking about air biscuits here) onto a plane.  The point is that while we should not allow just any objects (guns, knives, explosives, etc. that present very imminent and obvious dangers) on planes, we should focus on STOPPING THE TERRORIST, not his weapon.

What does TSA stand for?
Terrific Security Agents
Treacherous Sexual Assaulters
Other (Please Post in Comments)
pollcode.com free polls


Friday, November 19, 2010

The Quantitative Easing and the Bernank

I saw this video posted on The Big Questions, which is the blog of one of my professors from undergrad, and it was too amusing to not post here as well.


Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Weekly Contest: Humility Day

It's that time again.  Another Wednesday is about to melt into Thursday, and per usual, that metamorphosis comes with a contest!  This week's contest is to see who can go the longest without talking about his or herself.  This means stories, complaints of things that have happened to you, talking in the third person, etc.

As is custom, please post the time and circumstance of your transgression for the world to see.  Don't worry...You will have already lost, so telling the tale of how you lost will not affect your shameful defeat.


Stall Selection Revisited

Today, one of our faithful readers presented me with a mind boggling bathroom layout.  I must admit, at first, I had no idea how to approach the situation.  However, after giving it some thought, I have solved the riddle.  I present to you the miffing blueprints:

In this situation, the "true" middle stall is a place of danger, possibly even unfit for use.  Anyone tempting fate and racing the clock trying to get to a toilet in time will surely take the first stall they see (the "true" middle stall).  Thus, this stall will be ravaged on a far more regular basis than the rest.  Thus, it should NOT be used under any circumstances.  If all the other stalls are taken, your best bet is to find another restroom (or buy Depends like Elmo).

However, it is not the case that the previously discussed (ad nauseum, mind you) theory of stall selection deteriorates.  The handicrapper should be avoided for the same reasons as before.  The stall opposite that deluxe poopin office also ought to be avoided, as many would naturally assume it is the cleanest (recall the laziness instinct).

This leaves two stalls as legitimately defensible choices.  It should be noted that they are both technically middle stalls.  My advice here would be to take the one furthest from the handicrapper.  You're inevitably going to get some spillover germs from the "true" middle stall, so it comes down to which will be the cleaner of the end stalls.  It would be the non-handicrapper because it lacks the palatial qualities that draw visitors like moths to flame.

I cannot assign my usual degree of certainty to my choice since this situation is so unusual.  What do you think?


(Sorry, Stevie)

Sing It!!!


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Question of the Day

Fun little hypothetical.  There was a simple poll taken today at work that inspired this question.  Please leave an explanation to your vote in the comments section.

Would you date a Socialist?
Yes...Share the love evenly
Hell no! My love is mine to give where I see fit.
Not sure...Who wouldn't want to date someone with social skills?
pollcode.com free polls

Monday, November 15, 2010

(Im)perfect Celebration?

It has been well documented that the 1972 Nameless undefeated team I hate has assembled every season since to open champagne in celebration of the first defeat of the last undefeated team every year.  Some years, they had to wait longer than others.  Teams like the Colts of the Manning era seemed to be flirting with the prospect of duplicating this feat on an annual basis.  Then, in 2007, one team rose above all others to keep the champagne on ice through January and into February.  They shall go nameless because, well...frankly, I loathe them.  Instead, I will just post a montage of that game, as doing so will allow me to keep the language on this blog PG.

It is difficult to say whether it is more of a feat to win all your games or to win none.  Two teams have achieved the former, and technically four have the dubious distinction of the latter through the regular season.  In the undefeated category are the 1972 Nameless team I hate and 2007 other nameless team that I hate.  In the highly defeated category are the 1960 Cowboys, 1976 Buccaneers, the 1982 Baltimore Colts, and the 2008 Lions.  It should be noted that the Cowboys and the Bucs were expansion teams, and the Colts did this in a strike-shortened season.  This leaves one legit established team that has gone a full season without a win (exactly half the number of undefeated teams).

This begs the natural question:  Should the 2008 Lions pop open the Steel Reserve (champagne's too celebratory) when the last winless team gets its first win every year?


Saturday, November 13, 2010

In Defense of Omnivorism

Many vegetarians refuse to eat meat because it amounts to the murder of defenseless animals.  In the past, to get meat, one would have to go hunt by stalking an animal and killing it with practiced skill or a cunning plot.  The failure rate was high on hunts, and much energy was expended in sometimes futile attempts to attain proteiny nourishment.

Today, all we must do is go to the supermarket, a restaurant, or even McDonalds (although there's no guarantee the rib thing pictured below is actually from an animal).  The animals are generally farmed and have little to no chance of successfully fighting back or escaping.  However, this is not always the case.  Animals still have a chance to fight back.  Since we've all seen pictures of livestock farms, I don't fault you for disbelieving my claim.

However, as they say, seeing is believing.  I present to you a bona fide case of a present day failed hunt due to a fortuitous battle waged by one brave animal who opted to stand up to the man for all of his fellow future entrees:


Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Eternal Gratitude

Throughout our history, you have been willing to sacrifice everything to defend our freedom.  You stood up to tyranny and fought for a country of our own.  In times of war, you have risked your life to protect us and our way of life.  In times of peace, you have protected millions around the world.  You are the bravest, most selfless men and women in the world.  I have never physically met most of you, but to you all, I would like to express my eternal gratitude to you for all you have done for me.

I know we tend to get caught up in the small things.  We hyperbolize when things don't go exactly as we would like.  We complain about minutia too often.  However, we will never forget what you have done and still do for us, and we will never take for granted our freedom..  It is the most precious gift I have ever been given, and while tomorrow is Veterans' Day, I want you all to know that every day of the year, we are unendingly thankful for the gift you have bestowed upon us.

Thank you to the millions Americans who have ever served.  God Bless you all.


Contest Kindness

Are you ready for another contest? This one will be a reverse of prior versions. Instead of trying to NOT do something, this Thursday will try TO do something - practice an random act of kindness. Here is the definition we will use: doing something nice for someone (preferable a stranger who has no opportunity to pay you back) that was not requested, and is not a "sin of omission". So in other words, if someone asks you to open a door, and you do it, that would not count. If you have the opportunity to flip someone the bird in traffic and choose not to, that would not count. Person with the highest total at the end of the day wins. -SN

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Missile Speculation

As I'm sure you've heard, there was an unidentified flying object seen by a news helicopter roughly thirty-five miles off the coast of California near Los Angeles today.  I'd like to discuss what this may have and may not have been by eliminating certain possibilities to only leave one legitimate explanation.

1.  Missile Misfire.  The Navy and the Pentagon have since ruled this possibility out.  They say that there is absolutely no record or evidence of this happening.

2.  Launch as a show of force to our foes (read: North Korea) in the Pacific.  This cannot be because the Pentagonal (is that the right word?) and Naval denials would clearly defeat the purpose.  It's hard to send a message when you don't sign the message, so to speak.

3.  A North Korean launch.  Definitely not...This was a product of technology.  I mean real technology...Not just growing hair to look like a Chia Pet (I'm lookin' at you, Kim Jong Il) while wearing a futuristic space suit.

4.  A foe hacking into our missile system (Iran being the immediate suspect here).  Why do I get the feeling that if this had been the case, the missile would have been directed to the east instead of out to sea?

5.  A meteor was falling.  To the best of my knowledge, gravity causes roughly 9.8 meters/second/second acceleration depending on where it happens to be falling.  It is also my understanding that this acceleration is in the direction towards Earth, not away from it.

6.  Someone ate Chipotle, dropped his keys, and bent over to pick them up.  The muscle tension caused by bending over combined with the aforementioned fare would then result in a cannon-like explosion and propulsion.  It would take a pretty wild conspiracy theorist to believe this particular set of circumstances happened.

7.  B-Dawg, angered by his flea problem, was so enraged that smoke shot out of his ears creating a rocket-like trail into the western sky.  That would mean that we wasted all that money on a flea collar that didn't even work.  I refuse to believe that.

8.  Stevie Nix was flying high again.  She goes on an occasional bender now and then, but beyond the boozing, she's clean these days.

9.  Elmo put on Moon Shoes and played.  I can't debunk this one.


Sunday, November 7, 2010

Food, Inc.

Today I watched a documentary called Food, Inc. Basically all it did was make me only want to eat organic meat, but who can afford that? I also watched Supersize Me and that made me want to go to McDonald's. I saw the McRib Sandwich is back which is amazing. Who really knows if it is meat but it sure tastes good. I also do not get the shape of it. I cannot really explain the shape in words but what stupid ass decided it was the shape of ribs? I will attach a pic and you can tell me what you think... E.S.

Doesn't this look delicious?

Friday, November 5, 2010

Canine Shenanigans

I came across this because I was bored and have access to Youtube.  I have yet to find independent confirmation, but I think this is a home movie from when B-Dawg was just a puppy:


Thursday, November 4, 2010

Good Times...

One winter morning, I was walking from the train station to work, a good 15 minute hike, when I thought I spotted a co-wowoker from my office pulling out of the local Wawa parking lot...The driver, a rather robust woman, paused at the exit, and was waiving to me... I assumed that she was offering to give me a lift the rest of the way to the office.

Offers of transportation, both welcomed and unwelcomed, depending on who my companion might be, are frequently afforded to me on a weekly basis. As I was late for work, not an uncommon event, carrying a heavy bag, and cold, I was cheered by the prospect of getting to my work all warm and rested...

Without even looking at the driver, I ran around the passenger side of the vehicle, opened the door, thru my bag in and jumped in the seat. The driver looked at me in total fear, started to honk her horn, and yelling that she was being carjacked (talk about over reaction)...

I must have had a deer in the headlights look on my face... I panicked... Started apologising, and explaining to a screaming woman that I thought she was a co-worker... I grabbed my bag...Got outta the car at the speed of light, and jogged at a lively pace up the street...

For the next five blocks, I kept looking behind me for an approaching police car... When I got to work, I told my boss about the whole incident, who proceeded to laugh, and tell the whole office of my latest misadventure (My boss is the proverbial 13th Apostle... spreading the word)...

For one whole month, I altered my travel route for fear of seeing that lady.../B-Dawg

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Contest #3 (and no grumbling about it)

Our weekly Thursday contest continues with our hardest challenge to date....Tomorrow we will observe (or at least attempt to) a day free of complaining. This will likely take all the fun out of my work day - if I even make in the building without muttering my discontent on any number of subjects - fellow drivers, morning darkness, who is in "my" parking spot - but I will give it a shot. As always, participants, please post the circumstance and time of whatever was your downfall. And don't forget,  F free Riday follows. - SN

State of Awkwardness

As is done every two years on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November, Americans went to the polls yesterday to voice their opinions about the direction of the nation.  Many conclusions can be drawn from the results.  Undoubtedly, both sides will try to spin the outcome in their favor.  We will hear Democrats say that they did not have enough time to clean up Bush's mess and that they had to make painful decisions that were right, but cost them seats.  We will hear Republicans claim that this is a mandate for their policies.  It seems clear to any non-partisan observer that there are needles of truth hidden in the epic haystack of falsehood.  However, finding it is not the most important thing.  Neither is dissecting what actually happened or trying to predict the future of policy proposals and party positioning.

The most important thing is that once again, the American people get to witness intense awkwardness behind the President at State of the Union Addresses!  Who among us doesn't enjoy seeing the President make a point only to have one person behind him clapping (or more amusingly, standing) while the other sits motionlessly (or more amusingly, looking constipated) in his or her chair?  A short history:

1995-1998: Gore v. Gingrich

2007-2008: Cheney v. Pelosi

My fellow countrymen, I present to you: 2011-  : Biden v. Boehner

The only question left is whether these two political heavyweights can somehow manage to top the Great Blinkoff of 2008's pitting Bionic v. Botox?

Only time will tell, but I must say, I'm excited for this wild ride.


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

A fun bachelor party....

I was looking through some old photos and I found some pictures from one of the craziest/funnest bachelor parties I have ever been to in my life. I guess I should preface this by saying I have a pretty rambunctious group of friends who really enjoy getting wild every now and again. Anyways, from what I remember the bachelor party started off at this seedy motel on the North Side of Syracuse. A friend of ours had hired 2 strippers for entertainment and they came to the room and did their thing. I will keep this pg rated of course. The booze was flowing heavy this night and of course two of my friends start fighting each other. Me and another guy had to break it up but I got crushed into a lamp and a light bulb smashed into my back(these were no small gentlemen either). We finally broke up these guys, but the strippers got scared and ran out and left. We then went to a restaurant/bar that was across the street. We started doing a multitude of shots. The bachelor ended up getting so drunk he was trying to do shots of honey mustard thinking they were booze. Eventually the restaurant kicked him out for acting too wild. After this happened we went back to the hotel and this is when things got really weird. A couple of guys had stayed back at the hotel because the one kid was so drunk he couldn't have been out in public. Anyways, I remember walking around the corner and hearing some kind of splashing noise. To mine own surprise the one really drunk kid was crapping all over the sidewalk and puking at the same time. Needless to say this was appalling. I guess the kid had been locked out of the room without a key and just decided he had to do what he had to do. We opened the room and his brother had to put him to bed. Finally, to end the night the cops came and I just left so I did not get in trouble, I had to be at work at 6:30am the next morning anyways so I was not really drinking. Has anyone out there had a magnificent night like I had? - E.S.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Open Letter to the Undecided Voter

Happy Election Eve! Still up in the air on which of the candidates are worthy of your ballet? Wondering if they will fulfill their campaign promises? Why not make it easy on yourself? Why waste any more brain activity mulling over the issues? Just keep it simple and vote for the better looking candidate. What are the odds that anyone in particular will do what they promised, or not cave in to the lobbyists? Looks made fade over the next 4 years, but let's face it they won't go away completely. The TV viewing public will thank you. After all, we will be staring at their mugs for the next 4 years. So go spend some quality time thinking about something worthwhile - like paper or plastic? - SN