Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Missile Speculation

As I'm sure you've heard, there was an unidentified flying object seen by a news helicopter roughly thirty-five miles off the coast of California near Los Angeles today.  I'd like to discuss what this may have and may not have been by eliminating certain possibilities to only leave one legitimate explanation.

1.  Missile Misfire.  The Navy and the Pentagon have since ruled this possibility out.  They say that there is absolutely no record or evidence of this happening.

2.  Launch as a show of force to our foes (read: North Korea) in the Pacific.  This cannot be because the Pentagonal (is that the right word?) and Naval denials would clearly defeat the purpose.  It's hard to send a message when you don't sign the message, so to speak.

3.  A North Korean launch.  Definitely not...This was a product of technology.  I mean real technology...Not just growing hair to look like a Chia Pet (I'm lookin' at you, Kim Jong Il) while wearing a futuristic space suit.

4.  A foe hacking into our missile system (Iran being the immediate suspect here).  Why do I get the feeling that if this had been the case, the missile would have been directed to the east instead of out to sea?

5.  A meteor was falling.  To the best of my knowledge, gravity causes roughly 9.8 meters/second/second acceleration depending on where it happens to be falling.  It is also my understanding that this acceleration is in the direction towards Earth, not away from it.

6.  Someone ate Chipotle, dropped his keys, and bent over to pick them up.  The muscle tension caused by bending over combined with the aforementioned fare would then result in a cannon-like explosion and propulsion.  It would take a pretty wild conspiracy theorist to believe this particular set of circumstances happened.

7.  B-Dawg, angered by his flea problem, was so enraged that smoke shot out of his ears creating a rocket-like trail into the western sky.  That would mean that we wasted all that money on a flea collar that didn't even work.  I refuse to believe that.

8.  Stevie Nix was flying high again.  She goes on an occasional bender now and then, but beyond the boozing, she's clean these days.

9.  Elmo put on Moon Shoes and played.  I can't debunk this one.


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