Friday, December 31, 2010

Rights Not Enumerated?

Yesterday, I was watching a few episodes of Man v. Food: The Meat Chronicles with a close friend from college.  The meats presented to him at each establishment (and thus to me on my screen vicariously through him) were tantalizing to say the least.  There was steak that sizzled with a nice sear on the outside and a magnificent pinkness on the inside.  There were burger patties that served as a bed for a cornucopia of other meats.  Bacon, Canadian bacon, pastrami, grilled ham...These among many other things graced my television screen and forced reflexive salivation.

While all these images gave me ideas (imprinted griddle marks upon my imagination, if you will), one stood out to me above all others.  He showed a pit roast.  An entire pig was slow roasted till the meat fell of the bones to the degree where the bones were completely bare...not an ounce of oinker stuck.  Then, they heaped this delicious looking pulled pork onto a bun with bacon and ham.  So, naturally, I got an idea.  I grabbed my apartment lease and started reading through it.  Apparently, nowhere in it does it specify that I cannot dig a roasting pit in front of my apartment!  So now, I'm trying to determine whether I have the right to do this.  I maintain that rights not enumerated in my lease ought not be construed as a lack of those rights, and there's precedent for my belief.  The 9th Amendment of the United States Constitution backs up my claim:

"The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people."

If a federal judge were to consider this, I would assume they would go with Stare Decisis, and the

What do you think?

Piggy pit or standard soil?
Piggy Pit
Standard Soil free polls


Thursday, December 30, 2010

Mighty Mullet Saves the World...

...from Space Invaders that are attacking the work computer system!!!


Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Albino Turtle Spotting

Well, the snow that fell wasn't ideal for packing on Monday (save for a few well timed snowballs), so we had to go with a less bipedal snow being than originally planned.  I present to you pictures of the world famous (kinda) Snow Turtle!

I'm trying to decide between a few names...Which do you think he should be named?

What's the Turtle's rightful name?
Other (please post in comments) free polls


Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Emerging from My Cave

I have finally entered the 21st century!  I bid on an item on ebay last week, and I won.  Today, my shiny, new (well...somewhat faded and over 90 years old) Walking Liberty Half dollar came in the mail!  I don't win very many of my bids because I only bid up to the melt price of the coins on which I bid (minus shipping, so the whole purchase equals the melt price).  In fact, I only win about 1 in 15, which is fine because I will buy, but I will do so at my price.

I'm kind of new to this whole precious metals thing though, so I'm looking for tips and hints to buying/saving/storing.  I know at least one of you will suggest diversifying my metals between silver, gold, and lead (you know who you are).  Any other tips?


Monday, December 27, 2010


Well, in light of the massive storm blanketing the East coast, I have a snow day tomorrow.  Hearing the wind whipping outside my window with its primordial howl, I feel like a kid again, and as such, I figured I would compile a list of some of my favourite ways to have spent snow days when I was younger as well as some ideas for ways to celebrate now.

Probably the most vivid memory I have from snow days is going out sledding in the back yard then coming inside to warm up and watching Dumb and Dumber with a whole bag of Pixie Sticks with my sister.  I can pretty much quote the whole movie as a result.  In fact, just as a mini-teaser, take a moment to listen to the epic opening riffs.

Others include:
1. Sledding at a local elementary and my mom getting stuck in a huge snow pile and having to dig stairs to get out while my sister was convinced that we were all going to die.
2. Listening to the old clock radio eagerly hoping to hear that school was closed.
3. Hot chocolate (enough said).
4. Shoveling (this one's not terribly fond).
5. Playing spies and talking through heating vents with my sister (and her getting in trouble for quoting the aforementioned Dumb and Dumber and my mom hearing her say "bastard.").
6. Seeing cat foot prints in the snow on the back porch.

Celebrations now include some of the classics, but with added twists (read: macaroni and cheese balls).  Tomorrow, it seems long overdue to make a snow man (or snow blob as it were...Maybe a picture of it will grace these hallowed pages) and make some bacon flavoured hot cocoa.

I'd go on, but I have a long day of sculpting and frolicking merrily in the winter wonderland tomorrow, so I'm going to rest up!  In the meantime, what are some of the things you enjoyed doing/still like to do when it snows?


Saturday, December 25, 2010

Time to Play Santa

Seeing as though it is the season of giving, I'm curious to see what gifts that you gave to someone else you're most proud of.  I can't post mine just yet, as they haven't been opened at this point, but I will update in the comments section before too long.  This year, I found the perfect gift on two occasions, and I'm giddy to see the look on the recipient's face upon opening!  So let's see what you came up with...Please post your best gifts given in the comments section!

Merry Christmas,

Friday, December 24, 2010

State AND Religion? BLASPHEMY!

This was preformed a few weeks ago, and I find it both festive and kind of cool.  The orchestra in the background, the deep NJ accent doing the reading, the self-inflicted fat joke...What more could anyone ask for this Christmas Season.

For all of you like me who didn't have a ticket to the performance, I present to you "T'was the Night before Christmas" performed by the venerable governor of the great state of New Jersey, Chris Christie:

Now dash away, dash away, dash away all, and have a wonderfully merry Christmas.


Thursday, December 23, 2010

I Find Tinsel Distracting

I got a lot of problems with you people, and now you're going to hear about it!

A happy Festivus to all.  Until you pin me, Festivus is not over.  Let's RUMBLE!!!


Wednesday, December 22, 2010

"He Got Toe Jam Football."

Ever since I first heard Abbey Road, specifically "Come Together," I'd wondered what in the sweet sassy malassy "toe jam football" meant.  Before I go on with the post, I'll let the Beatles enthusiasts have a few minutes of fun: to refocus.  It has been said that the Beatles were ahead of their time.  I will go as far as to say they were 41 years ahead of their time.  I have no idea how John Lennon could have foreseen this, but today, his cryptic lyric has a concrete meaning.  I am of course referring to New York Jets head coach, Rex Ryan, his wife, and their mutual foot fetish.  More after the following footage:

I can't say for sure whether this is Rex and his wife, but I wonder a few things regardless:
1. Why in the Hell would someone make a movie like that, let alone post it on youtube?
2. I have never seen Rex Ryan stay mum on anything...Have we found the secret silence elixir?  What took so long???
3. Will this little piggy go wee wee wee all the way home after playoff "defeet?"
4. How long till place kicker, Nick Folk, sues for sexual harrassment?
5. Why does Rex Ryan look like a mix of a fat Ron White and a sober Gary Busey (if such a thing exists)?  Consider: + = ?

Tell me I'm wrong...I dare you!  Okay, so maybe that last one isn't related to the foot thing, but's been on my mind for the past year or so, and I can't keep it bottled up any longer.

Really, who cares about what the man and his wife do on the privacy of their own internet?  Hey, it's not as embarrassing as what Chris Cooley and Brett Favre did.


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

"Solar Moon"

Coinciding with the 2010 winter solstice was an event that is supposedly extremely rare.  The Earth slipped between the Sun and the Moon, casting a shadow over the moon and causing it to appear to have disappeared (if that phrase makes any sense).  Apparently, there was a lot of hoopla about this event, as the last time a lunar eclipse occurred on the winter solstice was 372 years ago.  That's right...Brett Favre was in his rookie season the last time it happened.

The thing I don't understand though is why this event was hyped the way it was.  The way I see it, it's not really anything out of the ordinary for me to not see the moon at 2:00am.  In fact, I would argue that it's far more rare for me to see the moon at that time than not to.  Call me crazy, but I don't think I'm alone with that.


Sunday, December 19, 2010

Another Sideline Incident!

It looks like the Sal Alosi (Jets coach) incident last week wasn't the only one.  In the Carolina/Atlanta game, there was more wanton disregard for sportsmanship on a punt return.  An Atlanta gunner was being blocked out of bounds, and off the bench came Tyler Brayton.  The difference is that instead of tripping the gunner, Brayton took him down with an elbow to the head.  I, for one, am not terribly surprised Brayton would do something like this.  Allow me to draw your attention to a little violation of Man Law from a few years ago to form your own conclusion:


Mighty Mullet Goes to the Meadowlands


Friday, December 17, 2010

'Tis the Season

Seeing as though we always hear about horror stories from Black Friday and some of the more heinous acts of wanton selfishness during the Christmas shopping season, I wanted to share three links telling stories of the real Christmas spirit:

Pretty amazing if you ask me.


Thursday, December 16, 2010

Obligatory Wikileaks Post

It's not often that Ron Paul and Michael Moore ever share a perspective.  When they do, it's highly newsworthy, and I would be doing the topic grave injustice by neglecting to comment.  Today: Wikileaks!

I won't go into what Wikileaks is because if you are on the internet enough to stumble upon my site, you certainly know about it already.  First off, I believe Julian Assange is an evil man with highly questionable motives.  I think he wants to see worldwide instability rather than his stated goal of openness.  In the short term, I can't see how Wikileaks wouldn't compromise the security of countless individuals as well as severely harm diplomacy.  Despite nations claiming that their views have not changed since the latest document release, I find it hard to believe that world leaders and diplomats haven't altered their views in light of seeing what some American diplomats characterize them.

However, beyond the short term effects, a few more interesting questions remain:

1.  What will the long term effects be?  Will future diplomacy always be treated as though correspondence is NOT confidential?  Will we see less frankness?  Will we see more openness?  Will this make us less safe, or will it strengthen diplomatic ties and strengthen alliances?

2.  How the supposed source of the leaks go undetected while downloading hundreds of thousands of cables?  How is it that no one noticed what was going on, and how did someone gain such high level access without sufficient questions being asked?  Are we doing anything to prevent other secrets from getting out in the future?

3.  Why is it that we only heard Eric Holder threaten to investigate and prosecute after the third set of leaks and not the first two?  I could be wrong in my recollection, but I don't recall Eric Holder taking a public stand during the first few information releases.  Then, when information about things that happened during the Obama administration, he decides to investigate to put together a case.  If that is not true, please post a link in the comments section.  If it is true, why is it so?

And now for something silly from XKCD:



When I'm bored, I tend to have rather bizarre thoughts.  Today, for example, I was wondering what the net effect on a baby's immune system would be if one or both of its parents had a cold when the baby was conceived.

I see three possibilities:

1. There is no effect.  The immune system is more a product of genes and post-conception events (health of the mother, etc.) than health at the time of conception.

2. The baby has a weaker immune system, as it was tested from the start and is more wary than kids conceived of healthy parents.

3. The baby develops an immune system filled with a brutal army of white blood cells that are strong enough to take over the world twice over.

What do you think?
No change...The Baby Slept through It
Weaker...White Blood Cells Wave the White Blood Flag
Stronger...The Baby in Question Must Have Been Chuck Norris free polls


Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Touching Moment

Monday, I was at the mall walking around to tie some Christmas shopping loose ends, and I saw something extremely moving occur right in front of me.  After purchasing a "Doggy Happy Meal," I moved on to the next store.  En route to my next destination, I was walking behind a young man in military fatigues and boots.

Coming in the opposite direction was an older gentleman in a blue jacket and a baseball cap.  As he got closer, I saw that the older man's hat had a VFW patch sewn onto it.  He looked up, and on a dime, changed his course in my direction.  A moment later, he stretched his arm toward the younger soldier and said, "Thank you, sir."  The young man shook the elder vet's hand and thanked him for all that he had done as well.

The moment was almost surreal for me...I can't seem to find the right words to describe my feelings at the time.  It was just one of the most awe-inspiring experiences I've ever had, standing there witnessing two defenders of freedom from very different generations connecting with one another as though they'd known each other forever.  They didn't have to utter a word, and yet they understood and genuinely respected one another.

-A humbled and proud MSG

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Red Light, Green Light

My daily commute involves driving through twelve intersections with traffic lights.  This morning, eleven (yes, eleven) were red.  I got to thinking what the odds of that were (as I tend to do).

For most of my commute, I am on the "main road" of any intersection.  There are only two such crossings where the roads are of equal size and traffic volume.  Since each of those has a turn arrow, I will assume that they are only green for people going in my direction about 40% of the time.  Of the remaining ten lights, only one has a turn arrow unaccompanied by a green in my direction.  For that, I will assume that it is green my way 50% of the time.  The final nine lights, I will estimate are green 55% of the time.

Since I hit a green with one of the lights in the last category, the odds of this happening are:

= .6^2*.5*.45^8

=      302,672,257     

=    1   

= .000302672257

= .03%

It doesn't sound insanely small, but to put this number in perspective, IF someone were to work five days a week for fifty two weeks per year (no vacation days or holidays off), they would drive the commute 260 days per year.  Given that, this nearly a once in twelve year occurrence.  I'm thinking I should go to AC and bet it all on RED!



Today, I received a most pleasant note.  Its contents divine, I would be remiss if I did not share with you here.

-A Salivating MSG

Monday, December 13, 2010

Sunday in Review

When I saw it live, I yelled out, "HE TRIPPED HIM!!!"  Everyone watching the play with me said I was crazy.  What now?!?

While we're on the subject of things that happened on Sunday, here's a pretty cool movie of the collapsing of the Metrodome roof under the weight of ice and snow:

In the words of a Lions fan buddy of mine discussing the weekend, "Best weekend for the Lions in ages.  Beat the Packers, take out their star quarterback, bears get decimated, metrodome goes down, and free tickets to boo Favre!"


Saturday, December 11, 2010

Staying Warm

It appears that I'm going to be putting myself in a position where I might freeze into a solid block of MSG in the next few days.  I've got several precautions planned to attempt to prevent this (as it's clearly not a desirable outcome...for me).  I'll be wearing so many layers that I'll probably look like the kid in the red coat from "A Christmas Story."  That said, it's not clear to me that it will be enough to prevent a treacherous freezing whilst sitting outside in a blizzard for three hours.

I'm looking for other suggestions to stay warm.  Unfortunately, I can not build a fire where I'll be (without being arrested that is), and I can't sneak a flask in.  Please give me ideas!  For, if I end up like the guy below, it'll be on your conscience forever...FOREVER!


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

New Million Dollar Idea

The other day, I burned my tongue on some soup due to a combination of two things: 1. It was very hot and 2. I was experiencing hunger-driven impatience.  As a result, my tongue has become the source of pain and lack of ability to truly taste what I'm eating.  Both consequences are simply intolerable.  My idea is to combine two items that on their own would not be too useful, but together could solve a lot of the world's problems.  I present to you Baloecon (Bay lo' kin) Drink.  It is a concoction comprised of aloe vera juice to soothe the tongue burn and bacon ranch dressing to incentivize the tongue to start tasting properly again.  Tell me I'm not brilliant!


Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Let's Make a Deal

Before I begin, let me direct you to 2010 NPR Exit Polls.  The result that I will focus on is the question, "Highest Priority for Next Congress?"  The results were: 39% for "Reduce Budget Deficit," 37% for "Spend to Create Jobs," and 18% for "Cut Taxes."

Having a little background information on what the ruled want, let's examine the recent deal struck by President Obama and Republican Congressional leaders.  In it, the President agreed to a two year extension of ALL Bush administration tax cuts, and in return, the GOP agreed to a thirteen month extension of unemployment benefits.  Additionally, the proposal includes a one year reduction of Social Security payroll taxes from 6.2% to 4.2%.

This begs the question, "WHAT?!?"  Did they not get the message that was for all intents and purposes stapled to their foreheads on November 2?

Deficit reduction - I don't exactly have an economics PhD, so maybe I'm incapable of understanding how this proposal can avoid adding to the deficit.  We are managing to add new spending that isn't being paid for.  Additionally, we're willing to remove funding for an already woefully underfunded program without talking about reducing benefits.  Am I missing something here?  If not, our elected officials have shown they don't have the same concerns about the deficit as the people that hired them.

Spending to create jobs - The only spending being added here is the extension of unemployment benefits.  The rationale is that the unemployed (a staggering 9.8%...although that doesn't include those who have quit looking for work) will spend more money which will increase demand for labor and thus reduce unemployment.  If we take a break from living in Fantasyville, we'll see that what's really going on is that we are paying people to not work!  That seems like a foolproof way to reduce unemployment.  The point of unemployment insurance is to help someone through a brief time of unemployment, and employers pay a premium to buy this insurance for their employees.  At the end of this extension (and I'd bet my left nut it won't be the last...there have been five already), there will be people who will have collected unemployment checks for over three years.  At this point, let's call it what it is...Subsidizing the act of not working.  This spending doesn't create jobs, so that voter concern is ignored by this portion of the compromise either.

That about covers ignoring or disregarding the top wishes of 76% of the voters.

Cutting taxes - Well, they did this.  For the record, the only taxes that were cut are the payroll taxes.  The other taxes were simply not raised.  However, that's a topic for another day.

What we've really witnessed is that each party is so concerned with implementing a small number of its policy initiatives so it can claim political victory.  Unfortunately, neither cares about the cost of the concessions it has to make.  Republicans are willing to increase the deficit and maintain higher unemployment if the prize is the preservation of tax cuts.  Democrats are willing to balloon the deficit so long as they can say that they're "helping" the unemployed.  The end result of this intense politicking is that we, the voters, have the same tax levels, higher unemployment, and more debt piled on.  Pardon me if I'm not giddy.  Why is it that each time a party gets a win, the American people lose?

Would you support a package that included a tax increase and spending cuts?
Yes - The deficit is cause for the Roseanne Barr
No - The deficit is a Roseanne Barr free polls


Monday, December 6, 2010

Fourmal Wear

A faithful reader sent me a link the other day, partially in response to "If You Touch My Junk, I'll Have You Arrested" and "Touch My Junk Redux."  It's a delightfully novel idea for one to get his or her point across about how he or she feels about having all points on his or her body groped and/or scanned.  Add in that it quotes the Constitution, and I'm sold!  Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Fourth Amendment Underwear.

*This is not meant to be a suggestion for those in Congress to facilitate their addiction to soiling the Constitution.


Sunday, December 5, 2010

Bacon Haiku

It's no secret that I love bacon.  In fact, anyone who doesn't know this (whether he or she knows me or not) has probably had his or her head in the sand ostrich style for the past couple of years.  Anyway, all too often, I take this wondrous meat and its meaty goodness for granted.  Today, however, I want to let it know how much it means to me.  What better way to display my affection than a string of Haiku?

Off to the meat aisle
When I get to the grocer
I know what I seek

Red and white marble
Your beauty is transcendent
A sight for sore eyes

Now, into the pan
Where you sizzle with valor
Edible soonly

Salty and crispy
From the pan, into my mouth
You are at your best

Each and every bite
I am thankful to know you
Oh love of my life


Saturday, December 4, 2010

Mighty Mullet Goes Plumbing

I know that I said that a cartoon would be a weekly addition to the blog, but When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary to post a cartoon because a situation arises that is too ripe for parody to ignore, I will not resist an interim sketch.  I present to you The Adventures of Mighty Mullet - Handyman.


Friday, December 3, 2010

Zeno's Paradox of Motion

Consider a runner on a track who will run 400 meters.  Before he can run 400 meters, he must pass a halfway point (200 meters).  From there, he must again pass another halfway point (100 meters).  In the final hundred meters, he must again halve the difference.  In fact, from any point on the track, he must necessarily halve the distance between that point and the finish line.  However, if he has infinitely many points he must pass before getting to the 400 meter mark, he can never get there.

Note that the 400 meters originally selected is arbitrary, and this would be true of any distance no matter how large or small.  The more interesting case comes when you consider shrinking this distance down to a centimeter, a millimeter, and smaller.  The result is that motion is itself completely impossible.

Can that be?


Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Adventures of Mighty Mullet

Today, I noticed that there are simply not enough cartoons on the blog.  As such, I've decided to try to make cartoons a weekly feature!  I apologize in advance for my lack of artism and the fact that many of the drawings will be inside jokes/characitures of people known only to fellow staffers.  That said, without further ado, I present to you the first edition of "The Adventures of Mighty Mullet!"


Wednesday, December 1, 2010

A Little Politeness, Please. Thanks.

This Thursday's contest will, as always, be geared towards becoming better people as a whole.  Thus, for Thursday, the challenge is to remember to say "please" and "thank you" EVERY TIME you make a request, whether it be written, verbal, gestured, etc.  As always, please post your transgression (in this case, omission) in the comments section.  After a week off, recall that Riday will again follow Thursday!  Good luck.


Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Word Play

The other day, a friend sent me a list of words published by Washington Post's Mensa invitational.  The list is comprised of two sets of words.  The first was generated by adding, deleting, or changing one letter in an already existing word and supplying a new definition.  Some of my favourites in this category are:

  • Ignoranus - A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
  • Intaxication - Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  • Bozone - The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  • Sarchasm - The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 
  • Dopeler Effect - The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
     come at you rapidly. 

The second list is comprised of already existing words that have been provided with new definitions.  Some of the highlights here are:

  • Willy-nilly - adj. Impotent.
  • Flatulence - n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been  
     run over by a steamroller.
  • Balderdash - n. A rapidly receding hairline.
  • Pokemon - n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.
  • Oyster - n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Inspired by the above, I decided to give it a try myself.  Here are some of my brainchildren:

Type 1
  • Gasshole - (n.) That jerk who farts in elevators.
  • Cusstard - (n.)  A crass idiot
  • Diplumacy - (n.) The act of flipping someone the bird
  • Infestine - (adj.) Of or relating to digestive parasites
  • Infinote - (n.) A very long letter
  • Cornycopia - (n.) An extremely sappy moment
  • Batlas - (n.) A cave map
  • Atmessphere - (n.) Air filled with dust or pollen
  • Unflortunate - (adj.) Of or relating to spilling something that will stain your carpet
  • Sintillating - (adj.) Of or relating to anything shiny or bright in Las Vegas
Type 2
  • Copious - (adj.) Of or relating to a long, dragging sermon
  • Pacifist - (n.) A call for a celebratory fist bump
  • Metrosexual - (n.) A public transit fetishist
  • Vigorous - (adj.) Of or relating to the bookie's cut of a bet
  • Trefoil - (n.) Tinsel decoration
  • Nunchuck - (v.) To throw a nun
  • Donkey - (v.) To wear a key on a necklace

I'm intrigued to see what you guys come up with.  Please put your best in the comments section!


Monday, November 29, 2010

I Am Serious, and Don't Call Me Shirley!

As a pun fan, one of my favourite movies of all time is the timeless masterpiece that is "Airplane."  Today, Leslie Nielsen passed away, and as a mini-tribute, I present to you the following clip:



Friday, November 26, 2010

Dense Population

This happened a few months ago, but its humor value has stayed rather steady.  Will it ever get old?  "We don't anticipate that happening."

I present to you the United States Representative from Georgia's 4th district (who won reelection with 75% of the vote in 2010, mind you):


Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving

To all of our readers, have a happy and healthy Thanksgiving.  For your enjoyment, I've compiled a set of photos to represent this great American tradition.

And to end this little parade off in the most traditional way, as I see fit:

-DOPP Staff

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Man Food

A few months ago, I stumbled upon a glorious website.  A cyberland where men can only salivate and fantasize about what they see becoming reality.  Few can resist it's allure.  I often find its images ingrained in my thoughts and imprinted in my subconscious.  Don't worry...It's completely safe for work.

Just an example of one of the cooler things your unbelieving eyes will behold:
The BBQ Pulled Pork Donut Sandwich


Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Touch My Junk Redux

In yesterday's post, I discussed current TSA procedures.  Today, I would like to use this post to do two things: 1. Put forth a fairly common sense solution and 2. Bemoan having a certain sketch comedy show make a skit based on a joke I made before the skit came out (and to give props since it amused me nonetheless).

1. I don't think anyone claims that metal detectors or other non-intrusive (at least compared to the two search procedures detailed yesterday) are unconstitutional.  Instead of being a "search," it merely signals to authorities that there is probable cause for more scrutiny.  Clearly, metal detectors don't detect every object that terrorists have tried to use in attacks in the past, but why not use the body scan technology to signal to authorities when there is probable cause for a search instead of using it as the search itself?  What if we were to have fliers enter the body scan machine, but in lieu of a real full body image, the monitor would display a cartoon avatar that would place a red dot over any suspicious areas?  People whose scans produce a red spot would then be subjected to more scrutiny.  The end result would be a more reliable screening process than just metal detectors, shorter, more expeditious security lines, and allayed concerns about civil liberties violations.

2. Last week, while discussing the "merits" of the screenings, I said that buying a plane ticket was a safer, cleaner option than "men and women of the night".


Monday, November 22, 2010

If You Touch My Junk, I'll Have You Arrested!

I wish that I had posted my prediction from a week or so ago here so there would be proof that I called the event that transpired today.  After considering that fliers have a choice of having naked pictures taken of them, viewed by complete strangers, and then stored on government computers OR be molested by the aforementioned strangers, I came to the conclusion that it was only a matter of time before someone stripped right on the spot to prove a point.  Well, today, I became correct.  What's more is that he was arrested, and in my mind, all he did was try to facilitate the goals of the TSA and our lovely protectress (you may know her as Big Sis).

Anyone who knows me knows that I am completely of the school that the Constitution is an outdated document of the past, but humor me as I play Devil's Advocate.  I present to you the highly non-contemporary Fourth Amendment:

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

While it's fairly clear that the likes of Jefferson, Adams, Madison, and a few other short-sighted geezers could not envision the challenges of aviation safety (or aviation, for that matter), let's try this little thought experiment anyway.  My main question is, "Is this Constitutional?"

To tackle this, let's start by asking whether this qualifies as a "search or seizure" and if so, whether the "search or seizure" involves "persons, houses, papers, and effects."  It's pretty clear that they're looking for something, so I'm going to say that it is a "search."  They're looking at and feeling dangly bits, hoo hoos, and ta tas, so I'm also going to claim that the "search" involves "persons."

The next question is, "is it unreasonable?"  Well, I can't say I've ever thought that molestation or forced porn was "reasonable."  Maybe I'm in the minority here; perhaps such humiliating, dehumanizing things are totally appropriate.  However, let's not forget the fact that it wasn't too long ago we were considering loud music in Gitmo as "torture" and calling for an end to it (and those detainees aren't even entitled to Constitutional rights).  The only way that "torture" could be even remotely comparable is if the "music" they were subjected to was this particular rendition of "The Final Countdown."

So I've argued that we have an unreasonable search of persons here.  It seems there's just one more thing to consider before we can claim that there is an egregious violation here (recall the "shall not be violated" phrase in the italicized text above).  Is there probable cause?  In some cases, certainly, yes.  However, I challenge anyone to explain where the probable cause was here or here or here.  If there is no probable cause in these cases, what is the mechanism by which it is determined?  The short answer is that probable cause does not exist.  Big Sis and her TSA minions are fairly explicitly saying that they believe we are all terrorists.  As such, we are all guilty until we have our most basic, fundamental properties violated to exonerate ourselves.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not ignorant of the threat to our security that can result from air travel.  However, we should focus our defense on people, not objects.  We have never been attacked by objects.  Before 9/11, we allowed small knives on planes.  After, we banned basically anything metal and somewhat sharp (including nail clippers).  After the attempted shoe bomber, we forced everyone to take their shoes off to go through security.  After the underwear bomber (aka The Ball Buster), we have to get naked or groped.  It's clear that if a terrorist wants to attack, he will find a new way to get an object around security; that is the nature of reactive defense.  God help us if someone tries to sneak a rectal bomb (not talking about air biscuits here) onto a plane.  The point is that while we should not allow just any objects (guns, knives, explosives, etc. that present very imminent and obvious dangers) on planes, we should focus on STOPPING THE TERRORIST, not his weapon.

What does TSA stand for?
Terrific Security Agents
Treacherous Sexual Assaulters
Other (Please Post in Comments) free polls


Friday, November 19, 2010

The Quantitative Easing and the Bernank

I saw this video posted on The Big Questions, which is the blog of one of my professors from undergrad, and it was too amusing to not post here as well.


Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Weekly Contest: Humility Day

It's that time again.  Another Wednesday is about to melt into Thursday, and per usual, that metamorphosis comes with a contest!  This week's contest is to see who can go the longest without talking about his or herself.  This means stories, complaints of things that have happened to you, talking in the third person, etc.

As is custom, please post the time and circumstance of your transgression for the world to see.  Don't worry...You will have already lost, so telling the tale of how you lost will not affect your shameful defeat.


Stall Selection Revisited

Today, one of our faithful readers presented me with a mind boggling bathroom layout.  I must admit, at first, I had no idea how to approach the situation.  However, after giving it some thought, I have solved the riddle.  I present to you the miffing blueprints:

In this situation, the "true" middle stall is a place of danger, possibly even unfit for use.  Anyone tempting fate and racing the clock trying to get to a toilet in time will surely take the first stall they see (the "true" middle stall).  Thus, this stall will be ravaged on a far more regular basis than the rest.  Thus, it should NOT be used under any circumstances.  If all the other stalls are taken, your best bet is to find another restroom (or buy Depends like Elmo).

However, it is not the case that the previously discussed (ad nauseum, mind you) theory of stall selection deteriorates.  The handicrapper should be avoided for the same reasons as before.  The stall opposite that deluxe poopin office also ought to be avoided, as many would naturally assume it is the cleanest (recall the laziness instinct).

This leaves two stalls as legitimately defensible choices.  It should be noted that they are both technically middle stalls.  My advice here would be to take the one furthest from the handicrapper.  You're inevitably going to get some spillover germs from the "true" middle stall, so it comes down to which will be the cleaner of the end stalls.  It would be the non-handicrapper because it lacks the palatial qualities that draw visitors like moths to flame.

I cannot assign my usual degree of certainty to my choice since this situation is so unusual.  What do you think?


(Sorry, Stevie)

Sing It!!!


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Question of the Day

Fun little hypothetical.  There was a simple poll taken today at work that inspired this question.  Please leave an explanation to your vote in the comments section.

Would you date a Socialist?
Yes...Share the love evenly
Hell no! My love is mine to give where I see fit.
Not sure...Who wouldn't want to date someone with social skills? free polls

Monday, November 15, 2010

(Im)perfect Celebration?

It has been well documented that the 1972 Nameless undefeated team I hate has assembled every season since to open champagne in celebration of the first defeat of the last undefeated team every year.  Some years, they had to wait longer than others.  Teams like the Colts of the Manning era seemed to be flirting with the prospect of duplicating this feat on an annual basis.  Then, in 2007, one team rose above all others to keep the champagne on ice through January and into February.  They shall go nameless because, well...frankly, I loathe them.  Instead, I will just post a montage of that game, as doing so will allow me to keep the language on this blog PG.

It is difficult to say whether it is more of a feat to win all your games or to win none.  Two teams have achieved the former, and technically four have the dubious distinction of the latter through the regular season.  In the undefeated category are the 1972 Nameless team I hate and 2007 other nameless team that I hate.  In the highly defeated category are the 1960 Cowboys, 1976 Buccaneers, the 1982 Baltimore Colts, and the 2008 Lions.  It should be noted that the Cowboys and the Bucs were expansion teams, and the Colts did this in a strike-shortened season.  This leaves one legit established team that has gone a full season without a win (exactly half the number of undefeated teams).

This begs the natural question:  Should the 2008 Lions pop open the Steel Reserve (champagne's too celebratory) when the last winless team gets its first win every year?


Saturday, November 13, 2010

In Defense of Omnivorism

Many vegetarians refuse to eat meat because it amounts to the murder of defenseless animals.  In the past, to get meat, one would have to go hunt by stalking an animal and killing it with practiced skill or a cunning plot.  The failure rate was high on hunts, and much energy was expended in sometimes futile attempts to attain proteiny nourishment.

Today, all we must do is go to the supermarket, a restaurant, or even McDonalds (although there's no guarantee the rib thing pictured below is actually from an animal).  The animals are generally farmed and have little to no chance of successfully fighting back or escaping.  However, this is not always the case.  Animals still have a chance to fight back.  Since we've all seen pictures of livestock farms, I don't fault you for disbelieving my claim.

However, as they say, seeing is believing.  I present to you a bona fide case of a present day failed hunt due to a fortuitous battle waged by one brave animal who opted to stand up to the man for all of his fellow future entrees:


Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Eternal Gratitude

Throughout our history, you have been willing to sacrifice everything to defend our freedom.  You stood up to tyranny and fought for a country of our own.  In times of war, you have risked your life to protect us and our way of life.  In times of peace, you have protected millions around the world.  You are the bravest, most selfless men and women in the world.  I have never physically met most of you, but to you all, I would like to express my eternal gratitude to you for all you have done for me.

I know we tend to get caught up in the small things.  We hyperbolize when things don't go exactly as we would like.  We complain about minutia too often.  However, we will never forget what you have done and still do for us, and we will never take for granted our freedom..  It is the most precious gift I have ever been given, and while tomorrow is Veterans' Day, I want you all to know that every day of the year, we are unendingly thankful for the gift you have bestowed upon us.

Thank you to the millions Americans who have ever served.  God Bless you all.


Contest Kindness

Are you ready for another contest? This one will be a reverse of prior versions. Instead of trying to NOT do something, this Thursday will try TO do something - practice an random act of kindness. Here is the definition we will use: doing something nice for someone (preferable a stranger who has no opportunity to pay you back) that was not requested, and is not a "sin of omission". So in other words, if someone asks you to open a door, and you do it, that would not count. If you have the opportunity to flip someone the bird in traffic and choose not to, that would not count. Person with the highest total at the end of the day wins. -SN

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Missile Speculation

As I'm sure you've heard, there was an unidentified flying object seen by a news helicopter roughly thirty-five miles off the coast of California near Los Angeles today.  I'd like to discuss what this may have and may not have been by eliminating certain possibilities to only leave one legitimate explanation.

1.  Missile Misfire.  The Navy and the Pentagon have since ruled this possibility out.  They say that there is absolutely no record or evidence of this happening.

2.  Launch as a show of force to our foes (read: North Korea) in the Pacific.  This cannot be because the Pentagonal (is that the right word?) and Naval denials would clearly defeat the purpose.  It's hard to send a message when you don't sign the message, so to speak.

3.  A North Korean launch.  Definitely not...This was a product of technology.  I mean real technology...Not just growing hair to look like a Chia Pet (I'm lookin' at you, Kim Jong Il) while wearing a futuristic space suit.

4.  A foe hacking into our missile system (Iran being the immediate suspect here).  Why do I get the feeling that if this had been the case, the missile would have been directed to the east instead of out to sea?

5.  A meteor was falling.  To the best of my knowledge, gravity causes roughly 9.8 meters/second/second acceleration depending on where it happens to be falling.  It is also my understanding that this acceleration is in the direction towards Earth, not away from it.

6.  Someone ate Chipotle, dropped his keys, and bent over to pick them up.  The muscle tension caused by bending over combined with the aforementioned fare would then result in a cannon-like explosion and propulsion.  It would take a pretty wild conspiracy theorist to believe this particular set of circumstances happened.

7.  B-Dawg, angered by his flea problem, was so enraged that smoke shot out of his ears creating a rocket-like trail into the western sky.  That would mean that we wasted all that money on a flea collar that didn't even work.  I refuse to believe that.

8.  Stevie Nix was flying high again.  She goes on an occasional bender now and then, but beyond the boozing, she's clean these days.

9.  Elmo put on Moon Shoes and played.  I can't debunk this one.


Sunday, November 7, 2010

Food, Inc.

Today I watched a documentary called Food, Inc. Basically all it did was make me only want to eat organic meat, but who can afford that? I also watched Supersize Me and that made me want to go to McDonald's. I saw the McRib Sandwich is back which is amazing. Who really knows if it is meat but it sure tastes good. I also do not get the shape of it. I cannot really explain the shape in words but what stupid ass decided it was the shape of ribs? I will attach a pic and you can tell me what you think... E.S.

Doesn't this look delicious?

Friday, November 5, 2010

Canine Shenanigans

I came across this because I was bored and have access to Youtube.  I have yet to find independent confirmation, but I think this is a home movie from when B-Dawg was just a puppy:


Thursday, November 4, 2010

Good Times...

One winter morning, I was walking from the train station to work, a good 15 minute hike, when I thought I spotted a co-wowoker from my office pulling out of the local Wawa parking lot...The driver, a rather robust woman, paused at the exit, and was waiving to me... I assumed that she was offering to give me a lift the rest of the way to the office.

Offers of transportation, both welcomed and unwelcomed, depending on who my companion might be, are frequently afforded to me on a weekly basis. As I was late for work, not an uncommon event, carrying a heavy bag, and cold, I was cheered by the prospect of getting to my work all warm and rested...

Without even looking at the driver, I ran around the passenger side of the vehicle, opened the door, thru my bag in and jumped in the seat. The driver looked at me in total fear, started to honk her horn, and yelling that she was being carjacked (talk about over reaction)...

I must have had a deer in the headlights look on my face... I panicked... Started apologising, and explaining to a screaming woman that I thought she was a co-worker... I grabbed my bag...Got outta the car at the speed of light, and jogged at a lively pace up the street...

For the next five blocks, I kept looking behind me for an approaching police car... When I got to work, I told my boss about the whole incident, who proceeded to laugh, and tell the whole office of my latest misadventure (My boss is the proverbial 13th Apostle... spreading the word)...

For one whole month, I altered my travel route for fear of seeing that lady.../B-Dawg

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Contest #3 (and no grumbling about it)

Our weekly Thursday contest continues with our hardest challenge to date....Tomorrow we will observe (or at least attempt to) a day free of complaining. This will likely take all the fun out of my work day - if I even make in the building without muttering my discontent on any number of subjects - fellow drivers, morning darkness, who is in "my" parking spot - but I will give it a shot. As always, participants, please post the circumstance and time of whatever was your downfall. And don't forget,  F free Riday follows. - SN

State of Awkwardness

As is done every two years on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November, Americans went to the polls yesterday to voice their opinions about the direction of the nation.  Many conclusions can be drawn from the results.  Undoubtedly, both sides will try to spin the outcome in their favor.  We will hear Democrats say that they did not have enough time to clean up Bush's mess and that they had to make painful decisions that were right, but cost them seats.  We will hear Republicans claim that this is a mandate for their policies.  It seems clear to any non-partisan observer that there are needles of truth hidden in the epic haystack of falsehood.  However, finding it is not the most important thing.  Neither is dissecting what actually happened or trying to predict the future of policy proposals and party positioning.

The most important thing is that once again, the American people get to witness intense awkwardness behind the President at State of the Union Addresses!  Who among us doesn't enjoy seeing the President make a point only to have one person behind him clapping (or more amusingly, standing) while the other sits motionlessly (or more amusingly, looking constipated) in his or her chair?  A short history:

1995-1998: Gore v. Gingrich

2007-2008: Cheney v. Pelosi

My fellow countrymen, I present to you: 2011-  : Biden v. Boehner

The only question left is whether these two political heavyweights can somehow manage to top the Great Blinkoff of 2008's pitting Bionic v. Botox?

Only time will tell, but I must say, I'm excited for this wild ride.


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

A fun bachelor party....

I was looking through some old photos and I found some pictures from one of the craziest/funnest bachelor parties I have ever been to in my life. I guess I should preface this by saying I have a pretty rambunctious group of friends who really enjoy getting wild every now and again. Anyways, from what I remember the bachelor party started off at this seedy motel on the North Side of Syracuse. A friend of ours had hired 2 strippers for entertainment and they came to the room and did their thing. I will keep this pg rated of course. The booze was flowing heavy this night and of course two of my friends start fighting each other. Me and another guy had to break it up but I got crushed into a lamp and a light bulb smashed into my back(these were no small gentlemen either). We finally broke up these guys, but the strippers got scared and ran out and left. We then went to a restaurant/bar that was across the street. We started doing a multitude of shots. The bachelor ended up getting so drunk he was trying to do shots of honey mustard thinking they were booze. Eventually the restaurant kicked him out for acting too wild. After this happened we went back to the hotel and this is when things got really weird. A couple of guys had stayed back at the hotel because the one kid was so drunk he couldn't have been out in public. Anyways, I remember walking around the corner and hearing some kind of splashing noise. To mine own surprise the one really drunk kid was crapping all over the sidewalk and puking at the same time. Needless to say this was appalling. I guess the kid had been locked out of the room without a key and just decided he had to do what he had to do. We opened the room and his brother had to put him to bed. Finally, to end the night the cops came and I just left so I did not get in trouble, I had to be at work at 6:30am the next morning anyways so I was not really drinking. Has anyone out there had a magnificent night like I had? - E.S.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Open Letter to the Undecided Voter

Happy Election Eve! Still up in the air on which of the candidates are worthy of your ballet? Wondering if they will fulfill their campaign promises? Why not make it easy on yourself? Why waste any more brain activity mulling over the issues? Just keep it simple and vote for the better looking candidate. What are the odds that anyone in particular will do what they promised, or not cave in to the lobbyists? Looks made fade over the next 4 years, but let's face it they won't go away completely. The TV viewing public will thank you. After all, we will be staring at their mugs for the next 4 years. So go spend some quality time thinking about something worthwhile - like paper or plastic? - SN

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Prayers for B-Dawg

I just received a call from B-Dawg's vet, and it turns out that he has a legitimate excuse for not posting anything.  He has worms.  I should have known, as this would be a perfect explanation to why he's been dragging his butt across the rug at work for the past couple of weeks.

The vet also expressed concern over B-Dawg's temperament and suggested that maybe he should be put down. I told him that we, the staff, have decided to stick by our parasite ridden compatriot, and we will never have him put down.  The vet then suggested that maybe we should consider having B-Dawg neutered.  What do you guys think?  Should we do it?


Saturday, October 30, 2010

Thought Provokers

For the past year or so, I've been quite troubled by a few logical inconsistencies I've noticed in life.  I've struggled to either find an explanation to them or to cope with them, but to this point, I have found little success with either.  I now turn to you, the faithful reader, for help.  If you can explain any of these, I will forever be indebted to you!

1. Why is "Palindrome" spelled backwards not "Palindrome?"  Couldn't they have come up with a more fitting word?
2. Why is there only one word that means "Thesaurus?"
3. Why don't British people have accents when they sing?  Seriously...Where do they hide the accent?
4. Goose --> Geese.  Mongoose --> Mongooses.  What the Hell happened to "Mongeese?"


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

This Week's Contest

In a ongoing, and purhaps futile, effort to raise the moral caliper of THE STAFF, I propose another contest for tomorrow. This week's challenge will to make it thru the day without making a disparaging remark regarding another person. So Thursday will be NDR (non-disparaging remark) day, followed by the popular "F" free Riday. This will likely be harder then I anticipate, at least for me, but I am hoping to make it past last week's 10 hour mark (half of which I was asleep). Partipants, please confess the time and circumstance of your guilt upon caving in to the urge to label a fellow human being a lug nut. - SN

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

snl - adam sandler & chris farley - schmitts gay beer.mpeg

Criminal Record

Alright...It's time to think.  Today, I will pose a question, and I hope you'll comment with your thoughts.

If someone were to tell you that you were definitely going to be arrested in the next year, what would you bet the crime would be?  There's no need to confess to past things you've done and are on the lam for hoping not to be caught.

Me personally...If I knew I was going to be arrested, I would assume that I would be held in contempt of court while fighting a parking ticket or other small violation...followed closely by racketeering and extortion.


Monday, October 25, 2010

Beverage Selection

When we go to the bar and try to flag down the bartender, we as men always face an interesting choice.  In fact, it can set the tone for the entire outing.  A man's drink selection determines how he will be viewed by women, and it can even signal his status as the alpha male of the bar to deter other male challengers.  There is a delicate tradeoff with any choice that you can make.  A manly drink can impress a girl, but it can also lead her to believe that you can't be molded and shaped to her specifications.  An effeminate drink can result in a girl coming over to ask to try it, thus starting a conversation, but it can also raise questions about the drinker's sexual orientation, thus precluding conversation.  Both of these defeat the purpose of trying to meet people at bars.  Luckily, I'm here to help categorize some popular drinks so you can properly select your libation to display the traits you want.

I shall use a scale from 0 to Chuck Norris.  I do NOT recommend drinking anything with a rating near "Chuck Norris," as it will cause spontaneous combustion in us mere mortals.  Without further delay, here are some ratings:

Whiskey - 7 if on the rocks, 8 if neat.  These ratings are only valid if you can drink it without making a shot face.

Beer - 6 (4 if light beer).  A good neutral choice for most occasions.

Red Wine - 5.  This can be very useful to show a classy/sophisticated side.

Motor oil infused with habanero peppers - Chuck Norris-1.  Probably a bad idea unless you have a low health insurance deductible.

White Wine - 2.  Dangerously low.  I would steer clear.

Martini - 6.5.  This has the benefits of both whiskey and red wine.  The score displays the dichotomy.

Appletini - 9.  I have it on good authority that some very very manly men have had these in their lifetimes.

Virgin Shirley Temple - .3.  Avoid at all costs.

USA Megyn (Hot spiked apple cider) - 8.5.  No explanation needed...Badass to the max.

Corona - 0.  Go with the Virgin Shirley Temple.

While not complete, this list should provide decent guidance.  If there is a drink you'd like to inquire about, leave a note in the comments section, and after I run it through my multidimensional rating model, I will post a score.