Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas, NFL!

Since Christmas is approaching (as are the NFL playoffs), I figured I'd be naughty and take a peak in Santa's bag to see what he has for each team!

Cowboys - Worse clock management skills. If this team used its timeouts less judiciously, this doesn't happen, and Dallas is solidly in the driver's seat.
Eagles - Some wide guys for the wide 9.
Giants - A space heater and an air conditioner because that locker room is always hot or cold.
Redskins - The ability to play the Giants every week.

Bears - Bubble wrap and duct tape to put on Cutler before next season starts.
Lions - They already opened theirs early...They got a winning season!  Let me repeat because I'm doubting that sunk in: A WINNING Detroit!
Packers - The Packers have traded their gift for future considerations, i.e., another hall of fame qb to replace their current hall of fame qb when he hangs 'em up down the road.
Vikings - Continued Indy hot streak.  This team may have a shot at getting Andrew Luck and in a couple of years, trading Christian Ponder for a Matt Schaub or Kevin Kolblike haul.

Buccaneers - LeGarrette Blount to be cloned 23 times.  If you're wondering why I say 23 instead of 21, you're forgetting punter and kicker.
Falcons - A time warp back to last year...just before the playoffs, that is.
Panthers - A crystal ball to see all the great places Cam can take them if he somehow keeps it up.
Saints - A new domed stadium in Green Bay.  It's hard to count this team out because they can be so explosive, but I'd like their chances in the NFC Championship game (assuming they get there) if they didn't have to visit the Frozen Tundra).

49ers - Mike Singletery back as HC.  Wait...This is Christmas, not April Fools Day.
Cardinals - A defense that forces more returnable punts.
Rams - A shiny new offensive lineman.
Seahawks - Two words: More Beastmode.

Bills - Fisher Price doctor set.  How is this team always so injured?  They asked for a lot more because they have needs everywhere, but Santa's bag just wasn't big or magical enough.
Dolphins - They were bad.  They're always bad.  They're ass-hats, and Santa knows it.  Lump o' Coal.
Jets - Elf shoes to spice things up.
Patriots - They were bad. They're always bad. They're douchecopters, and Santa knows it. Lump o' Coal.

Bengals - Enough bad consecutive seasons to get a new coach.  Every time Marvin's on the hot seat, he pulls off a playoff or near playoff year and buys himself three more years in which his teams invariably suck.
Browns - At this point, just give them "All the Little Chicks with the Crimson Lips."
Ravens - To never be favored in any game.  Why is it that they get their arses kicked by bad teams?
Steelers - A rulebook.  Let's cut out the cheap, illegal hits, guys (I'm looking at you, James).

Colts - Advances in the field of neck surgery that can create reverse aging.
Jaguars - A QB who can throw to his own guys
Texans - See Bears, but replace "Cutler" with "Whoever the Hell is lined up."
Titans - Santa already gave them a God Damned gift in 2000.  If those bastards want more, they're just being greedy.

Broncos - There is no Christmas gift for Denver. It's a birthday gift.
Chargers - That the next work stoppage bleeds into late October.  If the season started in November, this team could well go undefeated.
Chiefs - Championship belts.
Raiders - Dare I say, Jason Campbell?  I do dare say.

Friday, December 23, 2011

I Got a Lot of Problems with You People...

...and now you're going to hear about them.  I'm kidding...Happy Festivus.


Thursday, December 22, 2011

Public Fight

I was playing in the yard with my dog after work today, and my neighbors were screaming at each other in their yard.  I'm not talking Jerry Springer fighting either...I'm talking WWIII.  They were really getting after each other about something, yet in the franticity of their ranting, I was unable to determine what it was.  It was just as the argument was reaching fever pitch when an event happened that made my day:  I heard a door slam and then the guy start yelling, "It's cold out!  Let me back in!!!"  Judging by the fact that his pleas persisted for quite some time, I don't believe she let him back in.

Please, if you're going to get into a yelling match with someone, make sure someone's there to witness and document the general ludicracy of your situation and how you handle it..  That's all I ask.


Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Fill 'Er Up!

Today, I experienced something that I hadn't done in recent memory.  It felt very weird to do it, but at the same time, it felt natural...much like riding a bike after a long hiatus.  It's not that I had forgotten my technique...The problem was far and away more psychological than physical. 

Today, I bought gas at $2.999.  That's right.  I paid under $3/gallon.  Well, that's not entirely true because with the quantity I purchased, the total was exactly three times the number of gallons, but that's immaterial.


Sunday, December 11, 2011

Start Me Up

From my extensive hours spent watching football, both on television and in a variety of different stadia, I've noticed one very odd truism.  There are two songs that are almost always played during pregame warmups.  One makes sense: Start Me Up by the Stones.  You're warming up, so the lyrics make sense, and the song is upbeat and can cause a little adrenaline flow.

The other, however, makes no sense to me whatsoever: In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins.  I guess the lyrics are quasi-appropriate, but it falls measurably short on the other dimension.  Rather than revving me up, this song makes me yearn for naptime.

Has anyone else noticed this?  If you can possibly explain it to me, I'd be grateful beyond words.


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

"To Serve Man"

It's common knowledge that certain dog breeds have been bred to perform a wide variety of specific tasks.  There are dogs bred to herd, hunt, prevent infestation, and to sit in Paris Hilton's purse.  It pretty much runs the gamut of possibility.  As time goes on, many of these breeds are becoming better and better adapted to what they do.

I'd like to focus on the extreme of the hunting breeds though.  Generally, when you think of this task, you think of retrieving game, pointing out game, etc.  What doesn't usually come to mind is shooting their owners.

What's next?  Think about's scary.

While somewhat unrelated, the with a post title like this one's, I would be remiss if I didn't embed this:


Monday, December 5, 2011

Bonyak Jewelry

It's not often that I use this space to give a shout out to a company or product.  In fact, I think the only time that I can recall doing it off the top of my head was with the Shapoopie.  However, today, I feel the need to buck the trend.

If you're ever looking for a high quality jewelry made by great, hard working people, you need to look into Bonyak Jewelry.  Knowing the makers personally, I can tell you that you won't find people that puts more care into and takes more pride in creating each piece than them.


Thursday, December 1, 2011

It's a Contradiction!!!

I'm confused!  Antibiotics are supposedly good.  Yet, on yogurt containers, apparently, probiotics are good.  Something's got to give!  I think the only way that probiotics and antibiotics can be good is if biotics are either neutral or nonexistent.  Either way, this whole thing reeks of scam to me!