Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas, NFL!

Since Christmas is approaching (as are the NFL playoffs), I figured I'd be naughty and take a peak in Santa's bag to see what he has for each team!

Cowboys - Worse clock management skills. If this team used its timeouts less judiciously, this doesn't happen, and Dallas is solidly in the driver's seat.
Eagles - Some wide guys for the wide 9.
Giants - A space heater and an air conditioner because that locker room is always hot or cold.
Redskins - The ability to play the Giants every week.

Bears - Bubble wrap and duct tape to put on Cutler before next season starts.
Lions - They already opened theirs early...They got a winning season!  Let me repeat because I'm doubting that sunk in: A WINNING Detroit!
Packers - The Packers have traded their gift for future considerations, i.e., another hall of fame qb to replace their current hall of fame qb when he hangs 'em up down the road.
Vikings - Continued Indy hot streak.  This team may have a shot at getting Andrew Luck and in a couple of years, trading Christian Ponder for a Matt Schaub or Kevin Kolblike haul.

Buccaneers - LeGarrette Blount to be cloned 23 times.  If you're wondering why I say 23 instead of 21, you're forgetting punter and kicker.
Falcons - A time warp back to last year...just before the playoffs, that is.
Panthers - A crystal ball to see all the great places Cam can take them if he somehow keeps it up.
Saints - A new domed stadium in Green Bay.  It's hard to count this team out because they can be so explosive, but I'd like their chances in the NFC Championship game (assuming they get there) if they didn't have to visit the Frozen Tundra).

49ers - Mike Singletery back as HC.  Wait...This is Christmas, not April Fools Day.
Cardinals - A defense that forces more returnable punts.
Rams - A shiny new offensive lineman.
Seahawks - Two words: More Beastmode.

Bills - Fisher Price doctor set.  How is this team always so injured?  They asked for a lot more because they have needs everywhere, but Santa's bag just wasn't big or magical enough.
Dolphins - They were bad.  They're always bad.  They're ass-hats, and Santa knows it.  Lump o' Coal.
Jets - Elf shoes to spice things up.
Patriots - They were bad. They're always bad. They're douchecopters, and Santa knows it. Lump o' Coal.

Bengals - Enough bad consecutive seasons to get a new coach.  Every time Marvin's on the hot seat, he pulls off a playoff or near playoff year and buys himself three more years in which his teams invariably suck.
Browns - At this point, just give them "All the Little Chicks with the Crimson Lips."
Ravens - To never be favored in any game.  Why is it that they get their arses kicked by bad teams?
Steelers - A rulebook.  Let's cut out the cheap, illegal hits, guys (I'm looking at you, James).

Colts - Advances in the field of neck surgery that can create reverse aging.
Jaguars - A QB who can throw to his own guys
Texans - See Bears, but replace "Cutler" with "Whoever the Hell is lined up."
Titans - Santa already gave them a God Damned gift in 2000.  If those bastards want more, they're just being greedy.

Broncos - There is no Christmas gift for Denver. It's a birthday gift.
Chargers - That the next work stoppage bleeds into late October.  If the season started in November, this team could well go undefeated.
Chiefs - Championship belts.
Raiders - Dare I say, Jason Campbell?  I do dare say.

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