Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood

I had several posts that I thought would be interesting for today, but after seeing a commercial during Countdown before Monday Night Football, I had to call an audible.  It was an Applebees ad, and the company is once again going to serve our veterans and active military members on the house.  I, for one, absolutely love that Applebees is doing this, and I'll be choosing that chain over its competitors when I'm in the mood for that type of food in the future.

There will be a more interesting post tomorrow, but I wanted to bring this to everyone's attention because I find it intensely praiseworthy.


-FSG

The Great Birdfeeder in the Sky

The other day, I was talking with a coworker about a bird that had passed away near the entrance to work.  At first, we both felt badly, although we realized that there was nothing we could have done to help this swallow.  Shortly thereafter, my collegue turned the situation into an academic experiment.  He said, "When a person dies, he becomes an angel and get wings.  When a bird dies, does he lose his wings?"

In honor of the poor little bird, I'd like to share a clip of the most glorified his species has been in major cinema:

Bag-el Mistake

Well, I learned a very important lesson today.  I'd like to share it to you as well as breaking down where I went so unambiguously and tragically wrong so you can learn from my mistake and avoid a treacherous repeat.  I pulled a bagel out of a bag to put some cream cheese on it for breakfast.  It just so happens that the flavour I grabbed was cinnamon raisin.  However, after I dressed the carby goodness with its spread and took a bite, I noticed something unexpected.  This particular baked delight tasted of cinnamon and raisins, but somewhat surprisingly, it also tasted like onion.  Apparently, if when you're selecting bagels, and you put them in the same bag, you can expect the extra pungent ones to adulterate the rest.  Luckily, this experience was not half as bad as when I made oatmeal in a container I'd just finished using to hold roasted jalapenos and beans (thus creating the unholiest oatmeal taste known to this world).

While on the subject of onion bagels though, I find it rather annoying that before it is toasted, the onions are sticky as all get-out.  It's only after you toast them that the little onion bits don't stick to your hands.  Call me crazy, but shouldn't bagel makers bake the onions into the dough instead of haphazardly sticking it to the top (and sometimes the bottom) of the bagel?  Would that not make a vastly superior breakfast experience?


-FSG

Reincarlination?

The other day, I got an email with the following jokes. I found a bunch of them pretty funny, so I figured I'd share. Is it just me, or does this list remind you a little bit of George Carlin?

 A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”. The operator says, “How do you know?” He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest one she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg.”

Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine... until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think it’s time to change dentists?

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles… but at least they drive slowly past schools.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

 

-FSG

Comcast Jr?

Earlier in the year, I went without internet and cable for many months because of a fight I had with Comcast.  The crux of the issue was that my promotion ran out, so I was hit with an increase from $80/month to $145/month.  When I opened the envelope my eyes nearly bulged out of my head.  Frantically, I called Customer Service.  After somehow navigating my way through a voice activated maze that even Algernon would have struggled with, I got to a human (and I use the term loosely).  They "sympathized" and told me they could offer me $125/month, but that was the best they could do.  I told them I'd think about it but that it was likely more than I could afford and that I'd call them back in a few days.  A week or so later, I called and spoke with a manager.  Luckily, I'd left virtual breadcrumbs Hansel and Gretel style, so I got through the maze with ease this time.  The manager did some "research" and told me they could get me down to $100.  My response to this offer was, "I'm going to have to cancel service.  It's not you...It's me."  The next minute, my cable and internet were gone.  I don't regret it though...The relationship had become abusive, and I deserve to be treated like a lady!

Fast forward to a few days ago, and the receipt of my first Verizon bill.  The number was quite a bit higher than the number that was sold to me over the phone, so I called in to state my case.  The phone maze was pretty much on par with Comcast.  The magical voice directed me this way and that.  At one point, it said, "Please enter the three digit number after your ten digit phone number at the top right of the first page of your bill."  I don't consider myself to be the smartest person alive, but I also don't think I'm a complete moron.  Anyway, my phone number doesn't appear anywhere on the bill, let alone in the top right section of page one.  There's actually a different phone number there.  SO, the female Wizard of Oz wannabe on the other end of the line told me that she would call me back at the phone number linked to my account in exactly one minute.

One minute passed, then a second and a third...Still nothing.  She must have had the wrong number on file and called some poor confused soul rather than me.  Anyway, I called back and finally got to a person.  I explained my predicament and the fact that I wasn't exactly pleased with the difference in pricing between what my bill says and what I bought.  Up to this point, I believed that I was dealing with Comcast's illigitimate son.  However, the person on the other end of the line working for Verizon was very helpful.  Long story short (and now the buildup is becoming uneventful), Verizon, after the original annoyance and difficulty, is vastly superior to Comcast.


-FSG

Teach Me How to Carlton

Today, I was thinking about favourite television shows from when I was growing up, and there was one particular spot of pure absurdity that stood out immediately. As you can probably surmise from the title of the post, the show is The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.  Who could forget Geoffrey or his one liners, the Uncle Phil fat jokes, or the greatest thing ever:




-FSG

Indestructiblity!

Well, well, well.  Today, I took a very important measure to ensure my invincibility into the near future.  That's right...I got a flu shot.  Now, like C. Montgomery Burns, I am indestructible!  Just try to destruct me...but only after you've prepared yourself to accept abject failure (unless you infect me with strep throat, as it has been brought to my attention that it presents the only chink in my otherwise impenetrable armour).