Word Play

The other day, a friend sent me a list of words published by Washington Post's Mensa invitational.  The list is comprised of two sets of words.  The first was generated by adding, deleting, or changing one letter in an already existing word and supplying a new definition.  Some of my favourites in this category are:

• Ignoranus - A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
• Intaxication - Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
• Bozone - The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
• Sarchasm - The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 
• Dopeler Effect - The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
   come at you rapidly. 

The second list is comprised of already existing words that have been provided with new definitions.  Some of the highlights here are:

• Willy-nilly - adj. Impotent.
• Flatulence - n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been  
   run over by a steamroller.
• Balderdash - n. A rapidly receding hairline.
• Pokemon - n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.
• Oyster - n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Inspired by the above, I decided to give it a try myself.  Here are some of my brainchildren:

Type 1

• Gasshole - (n.) That jerk who farts in elevators.
• Cusstard - (n.)  A crass idiot
• Diplumacy - (n.) The act of flipping someone the bird
• Infestine - (adj.) Of or relating to digestive parasites
• Infinote - (n.) A very long letter
• Cornycopia - (n.) An extremely sappy moment
• Batlas - (n.) A cave map
• Atmessphere - (n.) Air filled with dust or pollen
• Unflortunate - (adj.) Of or relating to spilling something that will stain your carpet
• Sintillating - (adj.) Of or relating to anything shiny or bright in Las Vegas

Type 2

• Copious - (adj.) Of or relating to a long, dragging sermon
• Pacifist - (n.) A call for a celebratory fist bump
• Metrosexual - (n.) A public transit fetishist
• Vigorous - (adj.) Of or relating to the bookie's cut of a bet
• Trefoil - (n.) Tinsel decoration
• Nunchuck - (v.) To throw a nun
• Donkey - (v.) To wear a key on a necklace

I'm intrigued to see what you guys come up with.  Please put your best in the comments section!

-MSG

I Am Serious, and Don't Call Me Shirley!

As a pun fan, one of my favourite movies of all time is the timeless masterpiece that is "Airplane."  Today, Leslie Nielsen passed away, and as a mini-tribute, I present to you the following clip:



RIP

-MSG

Dense Population

This happened a few months ago, but its humor value has stayed rather steady.  Will it ever get old?  "We don't anticipate that happening."

I present to you the United States Representative from Georgia's 4th district (who won reelection with 75% of the vote in 2010, mind you):



-MSG

Happy Thanksgiving

To all of our readers, have a happy and healthy Thanksgiving.  For your enjoyment, I've compiled a set of photos to represent this great American tradition.

And to end this little parade off in the most traditional way, as I see fit:

-DOPP Staff

Man Food

A few months ago, I stumbled upon a glorious website.  A cyberland where men can only salivate and fantasize about what they see becoming reality.  Few can resist it's allure.  I often find its images ingrained in my thoughts and imprinted in my subconscious.  Don't worry...It's completely safe for work.

Just an example of one of the cooler things your unbelieving eyes will behold:

The BBQ Pulled Pork Donut Sandwich


-MSG

Touch My Junk Redux

In yesterday's post, I discussed current TSA procedures.  Today, I would like to use this post to do two things: 1. Put forth a fairly common sense solution and 2. Bemoan having a certain sketch comedy show make a skit based on a joke I made before the skit came out (and to give props since it amused me nonetheless).

1. I don't think anyone claims that metal detectors or other non-intrusive (at least compared to the two search procedures detailed yesterday) are unconstitutional.  Instead of being a "search," it merely signals to authorities that there is probable cause for more scrutiny.  Clearly, metal detectors don't detect every object that terrorists have tried to use in attacks in the past, but why not use the body scan technology to signal to authorities when there is probable cause for a search instead of using it as the search itself?  What if we were to have fliers enter the body scan machine, but in lieu of a real full body image, the monitor would display a cartoon avatar that would place a red dot over any suspicious areas?  People whose scans produce a red spot would then be subjected to more scrutiny.  The end result would be a more reliable screening process than just metal detectors, shorter, more expeditious security lines, and allayed concerns about civil liberties violations.

2. Last week, while discussing the "merits" of the screenings, I said that buying a plane ticket was a safer, cleaner option than "men and women of the night".




-MSG

If You Touch My Junk, I'll Have You Arrested!

I wish that I had posted my prediction from a week or so ago here so there would be proof that I called the event that transpired today.  After considering that fliers have a choice of having naked pictures taken of them, viewed by complete strangers, and then stored on government computers OR be molested by the aforementioned strangers, I came to the conclusion that it was only a matter of time before someone stripped right on the spot to prove a point.  Well, today, I became correct.  What's more is that he was arrested, and in my mind, all he did was try to facilitate the goals of the TSA and our lovely protectress (you may know her as Big Sis).

Anyone who knows me knows that I am completely of the school that the Constitution is an outdated document of the past, but humor me as I play Devil's Advocate.  I present to you the highly non-contemporary Fourth Amendment:

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

While it's fairly clear that the likes of Jefferson, Adams, Madison, and a few other short-sighted geezers could not envision the challenges of aviation safety (or aviation, for that matter), let's try this little thought experiment anyway.  My main question is, "Is this Constitutional?"

To tackle this, let's start by asking whether this qualifies as a "search or seizure" and if so, whether the "search or seizure" involves "persons, houses, papers, and effects."  It's pretty clear that they're looking for something, so I'm going to say that it is a "search."  They're looking at and feeling dangly bits, hoo hoos, and ta tas, so I'm also going to claim that the "search" involves "persons."

The next question is, "is it unreasonable?"  Well, I can't say I've ever thought that molestation or forced porn was "reasonable."  Maybe I'm in the minority here; perhaps such humiliating, dehumanizing things are totally appropriate.  However, let's not forget the fact that it wasn't too long ago we were considering loud music in Gitmo as "torture" and calling for an end to it (and those detainees aren't even entitled to Constitutional rights).  The only way that "torture" could be even remotely comparable is if the "music" they were subjected to was this particular rendition of "The Final Countdown."

So I've argued that we have an unreasonable search of persons here.  It seems there's just one more thing to consider before we can claim that there is an egregious violation here (recall the "shall not be violated" phrase in the italicized text above).  Is there probable cause?  In some cases, certainly, yes.  However, I challenge anyone to explain where the probable cause was here or here or here.  If there is no probable cause in these cases, what is the mechanism by which it is determined?  The short answer is that probable cause does not exist.  Big Sis and her TSA minions are fairly explicitly saying that they believe we are all terrorists.  As such, we are all guilty until we have our most basic, fundamental properties violated to exonerate ourselves.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not ignorant of the threat to our security that can result from air travel.  However, we should focus our defense on people, not objects.  We have never been attacked by objects.  Before 9/11, we allowed small knives on planes.  After, we banned basically anything metal and somewhat sharp (including nail clippers).  After the attempted shoe bomber, we forced everyone to take their shoes off to go through security.  After the underwear bomber (aka The Ball Buster), we have to get naked or groped.  It's clear that if a terrorist wants to attack, he will find a new way to get an object around security; that is the nature of reactive defense.  God help us if someone tries to sneak a rectal bomb (not talking about air biscuits here) onto a plane.  The point is that while we should not allow just any objects (guns, knives, explosives, etc. that present very imminent and obvious dangers) on planes, we should focus on STOPPING THE TERRORIST, not his weapon.

What does TSA stand for?
	Terrific Security Agents
	Treacherous Sexual Assaulters
	Other (Please Post in Comments)
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-MSG