Driving home after work today, I saw something that one doesn't get to see every day. It's the one thing that causes me to lose my ability to control the urge to yell out, "BUSTED!" I'm of course talking about seeing someone getting arrested.
Today, I saw some police lights flashing behind a car. I originally thought it was just a ticket being issued. Then, I saw the driver being put into the back of the cop car with handcuffs on! Now, I'm left wondering the natural thoughts: What did he do? I've narrowed it down to three things, but I'm not sure that any are correct.
1. He is an organ thief. I'm not talking about those thieves you hear stories about who leave people in ice baths with stitches. I'm talking about people who abscond with church organs.
2. He peed in a Dunkin' Donuts coffee pot. That one's pretty self explanatory...and I'd imagine doing anything illegal at a Dunkin' Donuts would be begging for an easy arrest to be made.
3. He molested Bigfoot. I think this is the least likely because it is common knowledge that Bigfoot is celibate and strong enough to fight off anyone threatening to change that. If you disagree with the last claim made there, I suggest watching some Jack Links commercials.
That's all I have, but I'd love to hear other theories if you've got any.
-FSG
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Road to Prosperity
Today, I was thinking about how to get the economy back on track and to grow consumer confidence and the stock market indecies (and consequently, 401k account values). It's clearly a multidimensional issue, and there are a myriad of viewpoints about how to address this goal.
However, sitting on my couch, the solution hit me. It is simple, elegant, and it would be more effective than anything we've seen in the past. Further, the solution is cheap, and it involves just two things that are both easy to find. One need only purchase a muzzle or a Hannibal Lecter mask and then find the Ben Bernanke.
The rationale is quite obvious. Every time the man opens his mouth, money evaporates. Perhaps he does this to offset all the money he prints, but this post isn't about motivational speculation.
The above chart is of the Dow Jones Industrial Average on Wednesday, September 21, and it tracks the index from open at 9:30 to close at 4:00. I will leave as an exercise to the reader to determine when the Ben Bernanke gave his address today.
-FSG
However, sitting on my couch, the solution hit me. It is simple, elegant, and it would be more effective than anything we've seen in the past. Further, the solution is cheap, and it involves just two things that are both easy to find. One need only purchase a muzzle or a Hannibal Lecter mask and then find the Ben Bernanke.
The rationale is quite obvious. Every time the man opens his mouth, money evaporates. Perhaps he does this to offset all the money he prints, but this post isn't about motivational speculation.
The above chart is of the Dow Jones Industrial Average on Wednesday, September 21, and it tracks the index from open at 9:30 to close at 4:00. I will leave as an exercise to the reader to determine when the Ben Bernanke gave his address today.
-FSG
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Futbol
This will be short and sweet because I'm exhausted, but I'd like to offer a PSA to the New York Giants:
In America, we play FOOTBALL, not futbol.
What do you think? Which sport above is this?
-FSG
In America, we play FOOTBALL, not futbol.
What do you think? Which sport above is this?
-FSG
Monday, September 19, 2011
Crazy Eights
After this weekend, I must say that I'm not enthused about getting old. I was kicking back a beer with a small group of guys, and one was on the cusp of his 91st birthday. The group had just finished a round of golf, and they were recounting a tale from the round they'd just played for me. Apparently, the older man announced that he had to go to the bathroom by saying, "I have to do a #8."
Now, to be clear, I know exactly what a #1 is, and I'm well versed in the ways of #2 as well. However, beyond that, the concepts are foggy. I won't lie, I'm a little curious about what bodily functions I'll discover as I age with respect to #3 (although I suspect, it may be a "shart"), #4, #5, and possibly #6. However, I'm terrified beyond belief about what the Hell my body will be doing to make a #7 or a #8. What do you think? What could a #8 entail, and how much will it hurt?
-FSG
Now, to be clear, I know exactly what a #1 is, and I'm well versed in the ways of #2 as well. However, beyond that, the concepts are foggy. I won't lie, I'm a little curious about what bodily functions I'll discover as I age with respect to #3 (although I suspect, it may be a "shart"), #4, #5, and possibly #6. However, I'm terrified beyond belief about what the Hell my body will be doing to make a #7 or a #8. What do you think? What could a #8 entail, and how much will it hurt?
-FSG
Friday, September 16, 2011
Microwave Conspiracy
I'm not generally a conspiracy theorist, but I have uncovered something big. It's incredibly diabolical, yet it's subtle enough that it has gone under the radar for decades. When I detail it for you, you'll imediately recognize what I'm talking about, and you'll likely wonder why you hadn't noticed it despite it being right in front of your nose the whole time.
We often take it for granted that microwaves have different power capabilities; a better quality microwave is expected to be more powerful than a cheaper one. Heuristically, it makes sense, and it is a compelling tale. However, when one peels the layers of this rotten onion away, one will discover a truly treacherous situation. The lack of power uniformity has nothing to do with quality. You read that correctly. Tell me your world is not rocked!
The real reason that some microwaves are more powerful than others is so us commoners (defined as not being in the microwave business) make incredible messes when we try to make oatmeal.
I hope I didn't ruin your views on humanity...I'm just trying to keep it real here on the blog.
-FSG
We often take it for granted that microwaves have different power capabilities; a better quality microwave is expected to be more powerful than a cheaper one. Heuristically, it makes sense, and it is a compelling tale. However, when one peels the layers of this rotten onion away, one will discover a truly treacherous situation. The lack of power uniformity has nothing to do with quality. You read that correctly. Tell me your world is not rocked!
The real reason that some microwaves are more powerful than others is so us commoners (defined as not being in the microwave business) make incredible messes when we try to make oatmeal.
I hope I didn't ruin your views on humanity...I'm just trying to keep it real here on the blog.
-FSG
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Daily Ponderings from a Thursday
Today, I'm proud to announce that I had more thoughts than usual (not that that's a huge accomplishment, as the bar I defined is lower than Filbert's self esteem). Anyway, I figured I'd list them below in the order that they occurred:
1. Only a complete hippie d-bag would put their blinker on to cross two lanes of traffic to make a left turn into a Produce Junction at 7:05am? Further, why does said hippie crapsack have to be in front of me, put their blinker on late, and do it when the lane to my right is moving quickly with no breaks in the traffic? This set of thoughts lasted about 3 minutes while I sat behind the bastard waiting to go on my merry way. Needless to say, my way was less merry because of this ordeal.
2. It's almost pumpkin ale/USA Megyn season! I'll explain the latter in a later post when I have my first one of the season. It's an intense story ending with a delicious alcoholic drink.
3. The problem with working in an office with a receptionist is that there's always one person in the office who knows when I'm pooping. They see when you leave, and they know when you get back. I have a hard time making eye contact after "downloading a memo" because I know that the receptionist knows what went down (pun intended).
4. Petsmart is spying on me. Three weeks ago, I bought a big bag of a specific kind of dog food. Today (one day before that supply is exhausted, mind you), I get a coupon in an email from Petsmart offering $6 off on that same brand! This made me quite happy. I guess that means my privacy is worth no more than $6 to me.
5. Rocko's Modern Life was a good show.
-FSG
1. Only a complete hippie d-bag would put their blinker on to cross two lanes of traffic to make a left turn into a Produce Junction at 7:05am? Further, why does said hippie crapsack have to be in front of me, put their blinker on late, and do it when the lane to my right is moving quickly with no breaks in the traffic? This set of thoughts lasted about 3 minutes while I sat behind the bastard waiting to go on my merry way. Needless to say, my way was less merry because of this ordeal.
2. It's almost pumpkin ale/USA Megyn season! I'll explain the latter in a later post when I have my first one of the season. It's an intense story ending with a delicious alcoholic drink.
3. The problem with working in an office with a receptionist is that there's always one person in the office who knows when I'm pooping. They see when you leave, and they know when you get back. I have a hard time making eye contact after "downloading a memo" because I know that the receptionist knows what went down (pun intended).
4. Petsmart is spying on me. Three weeks ago, I bought a big bag of a specific kind of dog food. Today (one day before that supply is exhausted, mind you), I get a coupon in an email from Petsmart offering $6 off on that same brand! This made me quite happy. I guess that means my privacy is worth no more than $6 to me.
5. Rocko's Modern Life was a good show.
-FSG
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Breaking All Illusions
Now that I've had a chance to give A Dramatic Turn of Events a listen through in its entirety, I must say that I'm impressed. I love how Jordan is increasingly featured on the albums as they come out. He was fantastic, James sounded better than usual, John and John were their normal amazing selves, and New Mike was on his game. Yes, we are all on a first name basis...Although, that is not necessarily a two way street.
Anyway, as with most Dream Theater albums (Black Clouds and Silver Linings being the only exception), I was not terribly enthralled by the first listen. I think it's because there is so much intracacy in the music that I can't comprehend it all on just one listen. The album got off to a fantastic start with On the Backs of Angels. After that, I wasn't too thrilled with the next two songs (although they've since grown on me a bit). I don't think my dog enjoyed the start of Bridges in the Sky very much, as he kept tilting his head in complete bewilderment with the opening noises. I'm not going to lie, I too was confused, but I put up a stoic front for him.
As the album progressed away from the second and third songs, I really enjoyed what I was hearing. I was delighted to hear undertones of Images and Words, and I was pleasantly surprised with John Petrucci's lyrics. I wasn't sure what to expect from either a sound or lyrical standpoint since this is the first album released by the band without their main influence, leader, and lyracist, Mike Portnoy.
Anyway, without further ado, I'd like to just let you listen to two songs from the album. The first is a beautiful song that flows very well and is easy to listen to. The second is probably my favourite on the album to this point. It showcases all that DT is about, and it flows extremely well from one passage to the next. Enjoy:
Beneath the Surface
Breaking all Illusions
-FSG
Anyway, as with most Dream Theater albums (Black Clouds and Silver Linings being the only exception), I was not terribly enthralled by the first listen. I think it's because there is so much intracacy in the music that I can't comprehend it all on just one listen. The album got off to a fantastic start with On the Backs of Angels. After that, I wasn't too thrilled with the next two songs (although they've since grown on me a bit). I don't think my dog enjoyed the start of Bridges in the Sky very much, as he kept tilting his head in complete bewilderment with the opening noises. I'm not going to lie, I too was confused, but I put up a stoic front for him.
As the album progressed away from the second and third songs, I really enjoyed what I was hearing. I was delighted to hear undertones of Images and Words, and I was pleasantly surprised with John Petrucci's lyrics. I wasn't sure what to expect from either a sound or lyrical standpoint since this is the first album released by the band without their main influence, leader, and lyracist, Mike Portnoy.
Anyway, without further ado, I'd like to just let you listen to two songs from the album. The first is a beautiful song that flows very well and is easy to listen to. The second is probably my favourite on the album to this point. It showcases all that DT is about, and it flows extremely well from one passage to the next. Enjoy:
Beneath the Surface
Breaking all Illusions
-FSG
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