Prayers for B-Dawg

I just received a call from B-Dawg's vet, and it turns out that he has a legitimate excuse for not posting anything.  He has worms.  I should have known, as this would be a perfect explanation to why he's been dragging his butt across the rug at work for the past couple of weeks.

The vet also expressed concern over B-Dawg's temperament and suggested that maybe he should be put down. I told him that we, the staff, have decided to stick by our parasite ridden compatriot, and we will never have him put down.  The vet then suggested that maybe we should consider having B-Dawg neutered.  What do you guys think?  Should we do it?

-MSG

Thought Provokers

For the past year or so, I've been quite troubled by a few logical inconsistencies I've noticed in life.  I've struggled to either find an explanation to them or to cope with them, but to this point, I have found little success with either.  I now turn to you, the faithful reader, for help.  If you can explain any of these, I will forever be indebted to you!

1. Why is "Palindrome" spelled backwards not "Palindrome?"  Couldn't they have come up with a more fitting word?

2. Why is there only one word that means "Thesaurus?"

3. Why don't British people have accents when they sing?  Seriously...Where do they hide the accent?

4. Goose --> Geese.  Mongoose --> Mongooses.  What the Hell happened to "Mongeese?"

-MSG

This Week's Contest

In a ongoing, and purhaps futile, effort to raise the moral caliper of THE STAFF, I propose another contest for tomorrow. This week's challenge will to make it thru the day without making a disparaging remark regarding another person. So Thursday will be NDR (non-disparaging remark) day, followed by the popular "F" free Riday. This will likely be harder then I anticipate, at least for me, but I am hoping to make it past last week's 10 hour mark (half of which I was asleep). Partipants, please confess the time and circumstance of your guilt upon caving in to the urge to label a fellow human being a lug nut. - SN

snl - adam sandler & chris farley - schmitts gay beer.mpeg

Criminal Record

Alright...It's time to think.  Today, I will pose a question, and I hope you'll comment with your thoughts.

If someone were to tell you that you were definitely going to be arrested in the next year, what would you bet the crime would be?  There's no need to confess to past things you've done and are on the lam for hoping not to be caught.

Me personally...If I knew I was going to be arrested, I would assume that I would be held in contempt of court while fighting a parking ticket or other small violation...followed closely by racketeering and extortion.

-MSG

Beverage Selection

When we go to the bar and try to flag down the bartender, we as men always face an interesting choice.  In fact, it can set the tone for the entire outing.  A man's drink selection determines how he will be viewed by women, and it can even signal his status as the alpha male of the bar to deter other male challengers.  There is a delicate tradeoff with any choice that you can make.  A manly drink can impress a girl, but it can also lead her to believe that you can't be molded and shaped to her specifications.  An effeminate drink can result in a girl coming over to ask to try it, thus starting a conversation, but it can also raise questions about the drinker's sexual orientation, thus precluding conversation.  Both of these defeat the purpose of trying to meet people at bars.  Luckily, I'm here to help categorize some popular drinks so you can properly select your libation to display the traits you want.

I shall use a scale from 0 to Chuck Norris.  I do NOT recommend drinking anything with a rating near "Chuck Norris," as it will cause spontaneous combustion in us mere mortals.  Without further delay, here are some ratings:

Whiskey - 7 if on the rocks, 8 if neat.  These ratings are only valid if you can drink it without making a shot face.

Beer - 6 (4 if light beer).  A good neutral choice for most occasions.

Red Wine - 5.  This can be very useful to show a classy/sophisticated side.

Motor oil infused with habanero peppers - Chuck Norris-1.  Probably a bad idea unless you have a low health insurance deductible.

White Wine - 2.  Dangerously low.  I would steer clear.

Martini - 6.5.  This has the benefits of both whiskey and red wine.  The score displays the dichotomy.

Appletini - 9.  I have it on good authority that some very very manly men have had these in their lifetimes.

Virgin Shirley Temple - .3.  Avoid at all costs.

USA Megyn (Hot spiked apple cider) - 8.5.  No explanation needed...Badass to the max.

Corona - 0.  Go with the Virgin Shirley Temple.


While not complete, this list should provide decent guidance.  If there is a drink you'd like to inquire about, leave a note in the comments section, and after I run it through my multidimensional rating model, I will post a score.

-MSG

Million Dollar Idea

It's so simple.  I figured it out.  I was back at the trough at work eating candy corn, and I thought to myself, "What's better than corn plain?"  Completing this little call and response, I said, "Corn on the cob!"

Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages...I present to you the latest and greatest MSG brainchild:
Candy Corn on the Cob!

I implore you to think of the possibilites.  You could eat it or you could harvest it and sell it at a ridiculous profit because demand will be astoundingly high!  If you dry it out, you could take it off the cob and pop it into candy pop corn (which I imagine would taste like caramel corn?).

What other suggestions do you have as to how I could market and use this miracle product?  Most creative idea wins!

-MSG