Monday, October 25, 2010

Beverage Selection

When we go to the bar and try to flag down the bartender, we as men always face an interesting choice.  In fact, it can set the tone for the entire outing.  A man's drink selection determines how he will be viewed by women, and it can even signal his status as the alpha male of the bar to deter other male challengers.  There is a delicate tradeoff with any choice that you can make.  A manly drink can impress a girl, but it can also lead her to believe that you can't be molded and shaped to her specifications.  An effeminate drink can result in a girl coming over to ask to try it, thus starting a conversation, but it can also raise questions about the drinker's sexual orientation, thus precluding conversation.  Both of these defeat the purpose of trying to meet people at bars.  Luckily, I'm here to help categorize some popular drinks so you can properly select your libation to display the traits you want.

I shall use a scale from 0 to Chuck Norris.  I do NOT recommend drinking anything with a rating near "Chuck Norris," as it will cause spontaneous combustion in us mere mortals.  Without further delay, here are some ratings:

Whiskey - 7 if on the rocks, 8 if neat.  These ratings are only valid if you can drink it without making a shot face.

Beer - 6 (4 if light beer).  A good neutral choice for most occasions.

Red Wine - 5.  This can be very useful to show a classy/sophisticated side.

Motor oil infused with habanero peppers - Chuck Norris-1.  Probably a bad idea unless you have a low health insurance deductible.

White Wine - 2.  Dangerously low.  I would steer clear.

Martini - 6.5.  This has the benefits of both whiskey and red wine.  The score displays the dichotomy.

Appletini - 9.  I have it on good authority that some very very manly men have had these in their lifetimes.

Virgin Shirley Temple - .3.  Avoid at all costs.

USA Megyn (Hot spiked apple cider) - 8.5.  No explanation needed...Badass to the max.

Corona - 0.  Go with the Virgin Shirley Temple.

While not complete, this list should provide decent guidance.  If there is a drink you'd like to inquire about, leave a note in the comments section, and after I run it through my multidimensional rating model, I will post a score.


1 comment:

  1. I had a request the oth day to rate pina coladas. They scored a 3.5 if consumed in a tropical locale and an embarassing 2 if elsewhere. There is one exception fo the rule though; if it is being enjoyed outside in the middle of a snow storm, it is an 8.