The Thanksgiving Story

Often, history books falsify and sensationalize the story of the first Thanksgiving, so in the spirit of academic honesty, I would like to share with you the history not told.  Buckle your seatbelt, and throw your predispositions out the window, because you're in for a bumpy ride.

The story begins with a bunch of people wearing bonnets and hats with buckles boarding a boat, so they got that part right.  However, the full name of the ship was not the "Mayflower."  There was more to it.  The vessel that would take these fashion visionaries was known in its day as "May 'The Silver Dome' Flower."  Back in the day, each ship had an exercise room, and so that is often what was used to differentiate the boats.  It's a little known fact, but the May "The Silver Dome" Flower had a sister ship that went as "May 'Dallas Stadium' Flower."  However, this boat was filled with obnoxious people who refused to wear buckles on their hats, so they were sent away and wound up sailing South never to be heard from again.

Anyway, the one that has been come to be known as the Mayflower, i.e., May "The Silver Dome" Flower, finally reached land and began to settle in.  These people were such amazing farmers that they had a ridiculous overabundance of corn, potatoes, squash, etc., and when winter came, they knew it would all spoil, so they were in a tough spot.  It was at this point when Squanto entered into the story.  He came to the Pilgrims to try to understand their issues and help them.  As he approached, the settlers offered him a great deal of food if he could assist them in the use of theirs.  As is common knowledge, Squanto and his tribesmen and women had no issues growing their own food, so Squanto only accepted the offer so that when he helped the Pilgrims, they would not feel like such freeloading jerks.

Anyway, the two parties started a fire over which they would talk, and Squanto would share his wisdom.  He began, "My people have had this issue for many years after bountiful harvests."  The Pilgrims drew nearer, hanging on every word.  The Chief continued, "We have found a way to prevent spoilage that will occur due to global warming when winters are not cold.  We have invented a new type of garb that allows for increased consumption of our bounty.  We call them stretchy pants."  He then spent several hours explaining the concept and the production process of stretchy pants, and the Pilgrims bought in.  They made their own, and they realized a greatly expanded capability of gluttony.

Henceforth, because Squanto shared the idea of stretchy pants, Thanksgiving has been the great American holiday of coming together and eating ourselves stupid.

Happy and safe Thanksgiving to all,
FSG