Pun-itive Damages

A faithful reader sent me an email a few days ago, and I just got to read it now.  Anyway, I found the content amusing (as one would expect given that it is a list of puns), and I want to share the better ones with you now:

1.  The fattest Knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much Pi.

2.  I thought that Is aw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3.  She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  

4.  No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary.

5.  A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  

6.  Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    

7. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here, I'll go on a head".

8. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

9. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the grass."

 

10. The midget fortune-teller, who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

 

11.The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray, is, now, a seasoned veteran.

 

12. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 

13. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

14. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive." 

-FSG